"wanderings in the desert" (or, alternatively, dark thoughts and melancholic musings)

2016.04.10 break

I went to bed last night depressed, and woke up depressed this morning (worship at CtK Lutheran this morning helped lift the fog -- when I say that I go to worship to avoid losing my sanity, it is not hyperbole). This has become more and more frequently my experience. Only now, it seems, am I realizing the enormity of what I lost when I lost Debbie. I am currently dating a new girl … I think that dating someone dredges up a lot of negative feelings about missing Debbie. I do my best not to compare, but it is hard not to feel like my life has taken a huge step downward and backwards.

I suppose economic insecurity adds a lot to my anxiety and depression. It seems like that has been my lot for my whole life. For the last 2 or 3 years, all of my energy and effort has gone into my work, and trying to make it work. I am almost there, but there is still no security. They can take away my classes on a moment’s notice and give them to full-time or tenured faculty. Nevertheless, teaching is one of the few truly bright spots in my life and gives me what little sense of meaningfulness I have in my current situation.

I also feel like a keep on losing friends. Phil recently married and is moving to Palm Beach Gardens. Amanda is moving to North Carolina. Evelyn is hit-and-miss regarding her availability. Most of my other friends were based on salsa dancing, or academia, and now that I no longer have time or desire to dance salsa and have finished my PhD, they have moved on. My married Christian friends (local) distanced themselves from me after Debbie died. It was hurtful at first, but it is what it is, and it is a normal experience that most widow(ers) go through. Now that I am no longer involved in “ministry” or ACM, many of those relationships are growing distant (thank God for the reader’s group!). My kids are great and love me, but they are all gradually moving off into their own lives. I cannot expect them to continue to orbit around me.

An additional thing that I woke up thinking about this morning is my repeated pattern of making a significant “break” with my worldview and social networks. I was raised in a fundamentalist “holiness” context, but broke with that at age 17/18 and became a hippy, leaving behind many of the fundamentalist Christian friends I grew up with. At age 23, I made another break, after becoming involved with Debbie. I forsook my radical-secular-hippie countercultural perspective and came to faith in the context of the Discipleship movement (which at the time, seemed very avant-guard and innovative to me). Again, I left secular and liberal friends behind and moved on into a different social and ideological environment.

 My time in the covenant-discipleship movement stretched out over almost 30 years, most of my adult life and most of my life with Debbie. I defined myself by my missiological and ministry commitments and as a faithful married man. After I started into academic studies (2004), I came back into contact with secular (and often liberal) people and began thinking more critically about the assumptions of my peer group. My friendship with Dr. Sam taught me to look for reciprocity in relationships and commitments, which was not always forthcoming in my ministry circle. All of this led to a growing list of incongruities and anomalies that became apparent to me in my ideological and social context. Eventually, under the increasing pressure of Debbie’s condition I was forced to reexamine my priorities under the duress of terminal illness. This led to my third major “break” with my primary social group in 2007 and a gradual break with my theological worldview thereafter. 

The theological and ideological fallout of that break has taken another nine years to process. When Debbie went into the grave, it felt like everything else that defined me also went into the grave along with her (ministry, friendships, worldview), but it took me a couple of years to realize it. Once I started to slow down from my frenetic partying, salsa dancing and drinking, the pain set in and has not left.

After several years of deconstruction of my belief system, only this past year have I felt my worldview and faith being reconstructed in a way which is both theologically orthodox but also “modern” (a "generous orthodoxy"?) and myself being reconnected to the body of Christ in a liturgical context. Thankfully, I have been able to hold on to a handful of life-long friends through that daunting process, although all of them are geographically distant from me.

Now, my depression is more constant and pervasive (although less sharp or intense) than it was at any time during her illness or immediately after it. Monday through Friday is not bad because of a highly structured work week (thank God for my work which I love!). However, many weekends I find myself setting alone on my patio for countless hours, grading, prepping classes and smoking cigars, and feeling quite depressed.

How shall I view this? Has my constant moving on into new ideational horizons, breaking with past social and ideological structures been a good thing or a bad thing? Has it been personal growth, or confusion? Is this just a part of normal life? Another way to ask the question is, am I a pioneer? Or just unstable? Sometimes the loss of fellowship and the necessity of reprocessing my beliefs “one more time” leaves me feeling like I am losing my sanity. But on the other hand, I am SO glad that I am not a ‘holiness’ fundamentalist living on a farm in Ohio. By the same token, I am glad that I am not a secular or liberal radical with no spiritual commitments or sense of mystery.

Before the Buddha experienced enlightenment, he grappled with the terrible suffering of the world and a sustained demonic attack for a month. Jesus wandered in a desert for 40 days and again before he went to the cross he sweat drops of blood in the garden and felt abandoned by God. If there is something good on the other side of these seemingly unending wanderings in the desert? Or am I just fucked? I guess I will find out one way or the other.

There is more I could write about my life-long tendency to live with a positive vision for the future, and a hopeful “project” to work towards (perhaps another self-medicating drug?). I have not had that since Debbie died, I learned to dance salsa, and I finished my PhD. So, I end up feeling adrift, just living a succession of days without a direction towards something. I have some ideas about how to remedy that, but I’ll save that for another journal entry.

I would love to send this to someone to share my feelings with, but to who? My mentors and older brothers, such as Frank Dawson, Dow Robinson or Michael Cook are mostly gone. There are others who might try to “instruct” or fix me like Job’s friends rather than just sitting with me in empathetic silence or sharing the pain. I don’t know anyone who has gone ahead of me on this same path.  

So... there is really no one to share this with. I am walking this path alone (I know, my dear hypothetical reader, that you will say that Christ is with me. I understand that “theologically.” I pray St. Patrick’s prayer almost daily (Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ beneath me….), but experientially, I am alone. To quote Jesus: My god, my god, why have you forsaken me? (don't answer that, you might have good reasons! ja ja).

Steve Osborne, NYC Police Sargent, tells a story about his dad and cancer

I heard this story by New York cop Steve Osborne on THE MOTH radio hour on our local NPR affiliate today. His story moved me to tears ...

I have a confession to make, almost 3 years after Debbie's departure, I am not really doing all that well. I battle depression on a daily basis and sometimes acute anxiety. Loneliness stalks me on a weekly basis. The worst is Friday night at 5 pm, whcn I finish work, and there is no one to go home to.  My finances also took a huge hit during 7 years of terminal cancer, and 10 years of graduate school, and I foolishly only had a small life insurance policy on Debbie. I am in a graduate program of learning about God's grace.

A book I read recently on grief compared losing a spouse to an amputation. It never heals, you never get "over it." You can only learn to adapt to the loss -- if you are lucky. If you are not, you give up and look for a quick exit. 

Officer Osborne's story of his dad's crotchety courage in the face of death was deeply moving to me. Everyone has to deal with death, loss and grief at some point.  It is helpful to learn that I am not alone in my pain, that every other human being on the planet has to eventually face the same issues in one way or another. 

I hope you will listen and enjoy Steve's story ...

Listen to Steve Osborne's story here ...

http://themoth.org/posts/storytellers/steve-osborne

That which is not

Today was one of those days. I felt lost, like I could not find my way home. I drove over to the Fruit and Spice park at 2 pm. It is a bright and sunny day, but everything felt dark. I enjoyed meeting some new people and walking around the park. Then I came home and took a nap.

When I awoke, I didn’t want to get up. What is the point? In the past, taking salsa lessons, studying, reading, thinking, writing helped me soften the pain, or at least forget it. I have been working hard, developing course material and teaching classes.

Now however, dancing no longer interests me and I am actually tired of reading books. There is no point to writing and posting online, no one cares and nothing will change.

All things are wearisome;
Man is not able to tell it.
The eye is not satisfied with seeing,
Nor is the ear filled with hearing.
9 That which has been is that which will be,
And that which has been done is that which will be done.
So there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one might say,
“See this, it is new”?
Already it has existed for ages
Which were before us.

Ecclesiastes 1:8-10

Is this what ‘nothingness’ is like?

The Finnish theologian, Tuomo Mannerma, talking about Luther’s theology of Two Loves, says,

“God works in two ways; God leads human beings into hell and then brings them back again. In other words, God turns human beings into “nothing,” making them weak and crazy sinners, but also makes them “be” and exist again, making them holy, strong and wise.  Luther calls the former action the work of God’s left hand, and the latter the work of God’s right hand” ~ Two Kinds of Love, Martin Luther’s religious world, p. 32.

So, I guess this awful place I am in makes me somehow an extraordinary candidate for God’s creative love? I’d like to see exactly how that works.

“God gives life to the dead and calls into being that which does not exist.” (Romans 4:17) but I didn't know it would be this awful getting dead and coming to nothing.

And

 God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, ²⁸ and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, ²⁹ so that no ^[t]man may boast before God. (1 Corinthians 1:27-29)

Well look at me now, there is no boasting going on now, is there? 

Solomon:  I realized that this also is striving after wind.18 Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain.

The Path

2014.01.03

I am picturing my time line like a path this morning. I can see a winding path that leads up to the present moment … but no path representing my future leading away from this moment.

What does that mean? Perhaps I cannot see a future for myself? Perhaps it is hidden from me? But of course, it always has been. Any sense that I could see my future timeline was an illusion.

Let not your heart be troubled

I am re-reading this morning from Debbie’s journal of July 2009.

………………..

July 13

Debbie wished her mom a happy birthday and wrote:

“Yesterday I pulled weeds and loaded wood in the wheel barrow and cut hedges and I think it helped me. Joseph and I went out to Boteco (a Brazilian restaurant) to listen to Bossa Nova music. While there, we met a UM Dean Leo & Angie. They seemed quite nice. We have no idea what the future holds, but I am confident that you are in control; I just want the best for us. Joesph worries about it too much, I think. Each day is an adventure for me.”

She was right, I worry too much.

Last night I went to see my friend Dr. Sam Lopez about my A-Fib condition. We found that there was a large area of emotional grief that was contributing to the stress on my heart. There was also a lifestyle component (too much alcohol) and a physical cause (too much weight and not enough rest). 

We re-framed the grief to reduce it. There was also a fairly high level of dread about the future that comes from my anxiety about the next step (a full time job). Sam went back into my past when I was six years old and helped me reprocess my memories of my dad going from cheerful and playful to withdrawn and morose over financial problems.

When I was thinking about my grief over all of these things, I visualized myself giving my troubled and stressed heart (physically and emotionally) to Jesus.  I had a distinct impression of Jesus coming to me and saying “You believe, in God, believe also in me – let your heart not be troubled!” As soon as I repeated the verse to myself, I broke and began to weep. It felt profoundly significant. 

There are intellectual atheists and there are pragmatic atheists: I guess I have been the latter. 

John 14:1: Let notyour heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

Have faith in God

Today, I am reading through Debbie's journal entries from 2009. I came across this in July of 2009:

"What have no idea what the future holds, but I am confident that you are in control; I just want the best for us. Joesph worries about it too much, I think. Each day is an adventure for me."

She was so right about me worrying too much! I gotta get that under control somehow. I found out that I have Atrial Fillibration last week ...and as an adjunct, at the bottom of the university surplus labor pool, I do not have health insurance.  I have been slipping back into a depression after doing really well for about a year. I don't want to lose the will to live. 

So now I am meditating on Mark 11:22

Have faith in God.

Apparently, I have some kind of emotional trauma relating to money issues. Each time I get into a tight spot, I get discombobulated. 

Debbie wrote this on June 28, 2009:

"I guess we just have to live life as fully and fearlessly as possible until we come to death."

Silly dreams ....

I got into a one-sided discussion last night in my dreams apparently. I was spending time with Debbie, and I looked at her and said

“I’m confused. You are here with me, but I distinctly remember putting your body in a box and putting it in the ground.”

She just sat there and smiled.

“So you can’t be here. You are in Ohio in a box in the ground. How can you be in two places at once? This is confusing me.

She just smiled and then I woke up.

But before I completely woke up, I found myself jogging in Bogotá Colombia. I kept running and running down streets that I vaguely remember, trying to find my way back home. Part of the time I was barefoot, part of the time I had running shoes on. I was also have trouble seeing …. I had to squint to make out the street signs.

When I awakened, I remembered that I am in Miami, Florida and that Debbie is resting in Johnstown, Ohio.

Silly dreams ….

A tree in winter: Desolation in black and white.

The lonely tree in winter

I have been trying to find images to describe a feeling that I have had lately. The only thing that comes close is a memory I have of a bare tree standing alone in a field at the end of November, roughly around Thanksgiving weekend. The sky in Ohio is typically overcast, the ground is wet with soggy leaves on the ground and the temperature is hovering around 35 to 40 degrees. Not cold enough for snow, but still too cold to enjoy the outdoors. This mental image in my mind comes with a feeling of sorrow and desolation, a feeling of decaying death and solitude. Rather melancholy, yes?

This is how I feel now in this season of my life. Desolation in black and white. Just a few years ago, in the middle of Debbie’s seven-year battle with cancer, there was a brilliant sunset lighting up the breath-taking reds, browns and oranges of the turning leaves. Life was hard but it was so GOOD. Such beauty. Courage in the face of overwhelming odds. Nobility of spirit.

However, just as there is really only one such breath taking weekend near the middle to end of October, the brilliant fall season in our lives was gone far too quickly. But I was unprepared for November desolation!

I tried to find a photo on the internet that would capture my feelings. I tried googling “bare”, “soggy”, “cold”, “fall”, “black and white”, “lonely” and came up empty. Perhaps the closest I came was this photo (B=below), which still does not convey the hopeless cold desolation the image in my mind carries.

I think back to the many years of raising children and planting churches as the ‘summer’ of my life. In the words of the immortal Beatles,

♪ “Those were the days, my friend, we thought they would never end …”

When I reminisce about my early years of marriage, and the truly exciting spiritual discoveries we were making, as, what appeared to be a whole new world opened before us, it would seem to me to have been the exhilarating “Spring-time” of our lives. Babies, new life, new growth, love was in the air!

But now here I am standing before this old bare tree, at least in my memory, feeling alone and desolate. I hope the first snows hurry up, perhaps there will at least be an austere beauty in the winter.

There is a scene from the Lord of the Rings second film, “The Two Towers” which describes this feeling better than anything else I can think of. It is when Elrond is trying to convince Arwen to leave Middle Earth and he prophesies to her the end of her life after her love, Lord Aragon has died. 

I realize that this post was entirely dark. A good post should have a ray of light SOMEWHERE, right?  By now, you are all undoubtedly deppressed with me. Not necessarily a good outcome. So, I ask myself, is this it?

or is it possible that after a beautiful and quiet winter I might experience another Spring time of love and new life? After all, we all experience the changing of the seasons repeatedly, multiple times throughout our lives. Well ... I will let you know as soon as I find out .... stay tuned or tune back in, in a few months!

The unhealing wound of a heart amputation

I feel the pain tonight,
Deep in my gut,
The feeling of loss
The emptiness of your absence
The unhealing wound of a heart amputation.

Will it never go away?
Will this heart-wound ever heal?
Will I always feel this way?
I guess it was true love
If it hurts this much.

I have good days
and bad days
and blah days when I do not give a shit ...
But this sick feeling in my stomach is always there.
I miss you.
It’s not, and never will be, the same without you.

Secret Garden - Once In A Red Moon

June 10, 2010 "I release you"

I have finally found some grace to begin organizing my papers and going through files (about time after almost 2 years!).

I came across this letter, which for some reason was not included in the original journal entry for that week but was written as an afterthought and place in a file with our wills. I have not cried much for the last 3 years, but I caught a soft sob in my throat as I read this ....

...and then you were gone

Dust to dust,

Ashes to ashes.

We met, we loved, we fought, we made up.

But most of all, we loved.
Back-to-back, we took life head-on.

And then you were gone.

And my soul wanders on, lost, alone and incomplete.

I arise today .... "Faeth Fiada" St. Patrick's Breastplate (originally written in Old Irish from the 5th to the 8th century)

I arise today Through God's strength to pilot me:

God's might to uphold me,

God's wisdom to guide me,

God's eye to look before me,

God's ear to hear me,

God's word to speak for me,

God's hand to guard me,

God's way to lie before me,

God's shield to protect me,

God's host to save me

From snares of devils,

From temptations of vices,

From everyone who shall wish me ill,

Afar and anear,

Alone and in multitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and those evils,

Against every cruel merciless power

that may oppose my body and soul,

Against incantations of false prophets,

Against black laws of pagandom

Against false laws of heretics,

Against craft of idolatry,

Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,

Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.

Christ to shield me today

Against poison, against burning,

Against drowning, against wounding,

Finding Solitude

"All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.

 

Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love."

A meaningful person and a high purpose

2014.01.05 John 14

My first journal entry of 2014. I read John 14 this morning, “Let not your heart be troubled … trust me!”

I talked with Brian E. yesterday. I had told him in an email that I was having some discouraging thoughts … thoughts of checking out or wanting to find an exit from the world. Of course he called me and we talked.

 I told Brian that my life lacks meaning and purpose. For almost my entire adult life I had a meaningful person in my life – Debbie. And with her, together we discovered a grand purpose, serving God together! Which later translated more specifically into church planting and missions (and some years pastoring). Together we evangelized and discipled numerous young people. In all three churches, we started with young people. All of the churches (except the house churches at the end) are still healthy and thriving. That was my life with Debbie – a meaningful person and a high purpose

Those two things have been objectively removed from my life. Regardless of my state of mind on a particular day, I live with that double void.  I can be in a good mood, going to salsa class … but the void and the sense of meaninglessness is there.

So… I suppose in addition to grief (I think I am passed most of the grief), I am trying to adapt to this massive Teutonic plate shift in my life. I have some goals ….goals for this year, for the next two or three years …. But no sense of overriding purpose. And certainly, I have wonderful friends, but no “meaningful” person to share my life with.

I think my insight this morning as I write this is that in my past life, the person and the purpose were inextricably interconnected. It was something we shared, something we did together. What are the chances of that ever happening again?

Am I condemned to live the rest of my life from day-to-day, just doing whatever needs to be done, with no sense of high purpose? Just drifting from one activity to another? Or worse yet, from one person to another?

Another thing that I realized as I was talking to Brian is that, both the person (Debbie) and the purpose (our calling) were given by God, gifts of grace in this highest possible meaning of the phrase. As I write this, I am filled with a profound sense of happy gratitude. Who was I, an insecure farm kid from Ohio, to be SO graced by God with a wonderful person and a high purpose? It changed my life and the overflow of that grace brought me to this place I am at today, living in Miami with four wonderful children, a multitude of friends in 3 different languages and serving young people with my education.

So maybe I need to surrender the sense of high purpose (as I already have let go of the meaningful person) and just spend the rest of my life thanking God and expressing my gratitude. That would not be a bad future.

“Christ the center” wrote Dietrich Bonhoeffer (I turned and looked up at his book on the shelf—its good to  be back with my friends!). If Christ is the center of gravity, then I need to reorient my life in orbit around him.  Maybe that will give me the firm place to stand, and not just theoretically.

Bonhoeffer also wrote about “religionless Christianity” … that is what I have been questing for these recent years. Maybe that is my new high purpose – to discover a path through the secular, postmodern wilderness (without going ghetto), and leave markers for young disciples to follow.

I need to stop looking for a new person … even unconsciously. If God does not send her to me (like he did Debbie), I will undoubtedly regret finding her.

The Buddha said that the root of all suffering was craving. I need to let go of my craving.

Well! I am glad I had this talk with myself! I read from page 63 of George MacDonald’s “Knowing the Heart of God” this morning. The subtitle was “Only Those Doing it Know How Hard.” MacDonald wrote “Entering into the Kingdom of God was to Paul, a daily battle with his own self.”

Dear God, I need your grace to give me the desire to press into you, to renew my soul – my strength. I need to know Jesus in a deeper way. Please show me the way. Lord, behold the void in my life … my soul feels empty. I trust you to fill me in your time. I trust you to seek me and find me and show me the way forward. Lord teach me how to live alone, without a meaningful person to share my life in this season, and how to love you and follow you without a high purpose.

As I finished praying, Ortega's Lonely Road came on Pandora. I sometimes wonder if that is a means of Gods communication to me.

Lonely Road -Fernando Ortega

♪ Fightings and fears, within and without ....

This song represents how I feel this morning, especially the "fightings and fears, within and without" part ...

♪     Just as I am, though tossed about 
 with many a conflict, many a doubt, 
 fightings and fears within, without, 
 O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Morning meditations

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Debbie … with kind of a weird ‘shock’ I realized that she was gone …. We had talked so much about that eventuality during seven years …. And now the nightmare future is here and I am living in a dim grey world in which she is not present.

Will I ever get over this? Get over her and her absence …. When I woke up last night, I vividly remembered the first time I saw here … I was 17 in study hall, she was 15. For all of my adult life, she was the sweet symbol of womanhood, femininity and sexuality … and grew into my best friend and soul mate ….

We shared our DNA and created four beautiful human beings – and then we shared our gifts and energies and created three churches … that are still around and thriving.

With her gone it is very much like part of me is gone … a very large part of me. It is like my entire adult life and identity is gone …. What is left? Do I really have to start a whole new life at 62? And forge a new identity? Do I even have ‘time” to create a new life before I too will be gone?

I need to go back and reread C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed.” Maybe I am taking too long to get through this … Maybe I just need to “man-up” and move on.

Shit.

Thanksgiving 2007

     Thank you Lord, for the many blessings you have given me. I don’t deserve such goodness Lord. I feel poor and wretched in so many ways. I do not feel like I have what it takes to do things for you. I don’t feel smart enough to discuss important issues without making a fool of myself but Lord I trust you. That has to count for something. You make flowers just to be beautiful for a few days and butterflies so why not let “Little Debbie” bring you joy. At least, I hope I do. I love you.

            One of Joseph’s Professors (Muslim) sent an email to Joseph, encouraging me and letting him know that he has been praying for me. He also sent me a poem written by a Sufi mystic, it was so beautiful I cried. Today has been a wonderful day, I fixed a salad to take to Brain & Rosa for the Community meal. There were around 50 people there. It was a good time. I sat and various people came around to chat.

            Then we came home, and sat around talking for a bit with Joseph and John. Jessy and the kids came by later for a visit.

  Tonight we went to Jose and Olga’s for the Morgado gathering and had a wonderful conversation with Carlos, Angelica, and Sarah about Cuba circa 1958-67. It was like getting a first hand interview. Thank you Lord, for this bridge of trust you have allowed us to build even as we are bumbling along. Lord, I pray that these dear people would come to know you and your great love. 

Deb's journal Nov. 25 2008 and Psalm 107

From Debbie's Journal, Nov. 25, 2008.

I am glad to be alive, thank you, but I find myself so weary. I have been helping care for Jessy and the boys and even though I love them dearly- I feel that I am getting more and more tired. Lord, please sustain me, please lift me back up. I can tell Joseph is worried about me. Please, I ask for your grace for him too. He’s been so good during this whole ordeal, please help me to keep my eyes on you instead of circumstances.

            Dr. Wang aid that the Tumor markers have dropped from 50-39 again and the chest x-ray is normal—Good News! I don’t know how people endure suffering for years and years…one day at a time I guess. Help me to do the same Lord. Please I need your strength. 

PSALM 107 (The Message)
1-3 Oh, thank God—he’s so good!
His love never runs out.
All of you set free by God, tell the world!
Tell how he freed you from oppression,
Then rounded you up from all over the place,
from the four winds, from the seven seas.
.....

42-43 Good people see this and are glad;
bad people are speechless, stopped in their tracks.
If you are really wise, you’ll think this over—
it’s time you appreciated God’s deep love.

I'll be waiting for you ...

I was notified yesterday that I had been nominated for a prestigious university award called the “Worlds Ahead” award. The assistant dean in the College of Arts and Sciences who read my dissertation was touched by the story of Debbie’s illness and death, and my perseverance through it. She nominated me for the award and I will receive special recognition at the commencement ceremony from University President Rosenberg. I received this email from the history department this morning:

………………………………….

Dear All,

Joseph Holbrook, who will receive his PhD in December, was named a "Worlds Ahead" graduating student, and he will be specially honored by President Rosenberg at Fall commencement.

This is our second PhD in a row to be recognized as "Worlds Ahead" -- keep up the good work doctoral students (and faculty!) 

And congratulations, Joseph!

………………………………….

I went to forward this email to my kids and my brother. I could not find my brother’s email address with his first name, so I entered in “Holbrook” and guess who’s name came up? Debbie Holbrook. For a moment … I wanted so badly to forward the email to her …

Debbie wrote this to me in her journal in June 8, 2010:

“If I don’t get to see you graduate please ask the kids to go for me. What an accomplishment. You did it! Either way I will be rejoicing with you (here or there). I will say “That’s my Joseph!” He did it!” and I will watch to see the doors the Lord opens for you. I believe there are exciting years ahead. I hope to share them with you, but if I can’t please choose LIFE! And enjoy it. I love you more than life itself and I will be waiting for you when that time comes.

Your loving admirer, Deb.”

Ripples on the pond

From Debbie's Journal, December 8, 2007

Although not as intense as the days immediately following the Neulasta Shot, the low grade pain and nausea still are bothersome. The biggest problem today is extreme weakness and shortness of breath. We considered going to the emergency room but I choose to rest rather than spend the whole weekend in the hospital. Sarah and Jessy came over to check on me and we made the decision to stay home unless I passed out, which I didn’t. Although it hurt my stomach I kept some soup and pudding down.  This morning I went to my book club meeting at Ellen’s and Joseph wanted to go see Sam Lopez. When I got home I was having trouble breathing. So I rested and Joseph went to Crandon Beach to hang out with LACC grad students he has gone thru classes with. He said it was a lovely day, sunset and they all had a good time. I truly am glad for him. I know he needs a break occasionally.

While he was away, Sarah, Jessy and the kids came to make gingerbread houses and listen to Christmas music. We had the lights on and I sat in the recliner, watching Marcus and interacting with all. Carlos joined us for a while and Denny and Luke came by to say hello. Thank you father, for a really nice day, we watched “ Home Alone” with Billy Long and laughed a while then Joseph and I watched Dr. House. It was a good show.

Then Joseph said something about there  being no more vacations if I died, to which I said, “oh, yes there will be. You’ll still have children and grandchildren who will want to go camping and take vacations.” 

Later, when we talked about the reality of the brevity of life, what I said hit me; “The truth is (w/tears) when I am gone and you have grieved the time will come for you to go on with your life.” I watched my mom go through the process of losing dad (the love of her life), I watched her grieve a long time, but finally the day came that she packed up the rest of his stuff, took off her wedding ring and told him goodbye, that she had to go on with her life.

And that is how it is for all of us. Our lives are but a stone thrown in a pond, there are ripples and then the pond becomes still again. It seems sad to me, but that’s how it is. It seems like there should be more because our lives are so full while we are living.

One of the things that came clear for me in our book club meeting is that I have are two main priorities in my life, God and Family—then perhaps after that would come order and creativity. Jane suggested writing a memoir to my grandchildren, that it would be a combination of all of my priorities. Father, help me do this please.