Stress at midnight

December 27, 1987 12:30 AM Cold, Alexandria, Ohio.

^“O Psalm 104:34 - Lord, how many and varied are Your works! In wisdom have You made the all, the earth is full of Your riches and Your creatures."

Man and beast, cloud and mountain, roaring ocean and the peaceful farm pond. Truly you have created them all and they are wonderful. You are great oh Lord and worth to be praised! I DO praise you, Praise the Lord!

I have gone through a whole spectrum of emotions, ups and downs. I have cried a lot and wanted to sleep a lot. I feel overwhelmed constantly. I am having chest pains and general (at times severe) indigestion, burning, insomnia, forgetfulness, and staring off into space. All signs of stress, but what does one do? Help me father to organize my life better. I can’t keep up the pace.

Joseph said he had a good talk with mom and dad this am. They were encouraging him to make sure I got more rest. He was able to share his vision of church planting in Bogota and Medellin and then move back for a time, possibly to live on the farm. They were not critical of him.

Last day in Miami

December 16, 1987 Miami Beach FL, Windy, warm/cool.

Psalm 104:33 –

I do praise you Lord, for truly I was made for that purpose. I’m awed by your creation, by your majesty.

This is our last day here. Today we take Lyle to the airport and head for home. Yesterday we went to Aventura for a couple of hours and then Lyle and Joseph had an appointment with Nick who works for Latin American Mission (LAM) and who lived for a couple of year in Medellin, Colombia. Joseph received a lot of good information and a demographic study. Nick said that Medellin is a difficult city to start a church in.

I am reading Ruth Graham Bell’s story of her life, A Time for Remembering. I have really enjoyed it. It seems that every time I read a biography, it deepens in me the knowledge that I am not alone and that my struggles and hardships are not uncommon, especially to missionaries. Ruth says that she believes that “beautiful women are made by adjusting to difficult men”; an intriguing statement.

Prayer for faith by the ocean

December 14, 1987 Miami Beach FL, Windy, warm/cool.

Psalm 103:13– 17

¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;

¹⁷ But from everlasting to everlasting
    the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
    and his righteousness with their children’s children—

We (Joseph, I and our children) are living in a special grace because our parents feared the Lord. What a blessing – how rich we are! Thank you Lord.

The ocean seems angry this morning. The waves are white capped and fast coming in to smack the sand. It creates some fear or awe in me. It is great to imagine that the Lord set boundaries for the ocean, for truly it seems with its power it could go wherever it wanted.

Lord, I want to ask something that is big for me this morning, although very small for you. Lord, we continue to struggle with lack of money. It’s an area that the enemy still hassles us with. Father, this morning I ask for forgiveness for our lack of faith and trust. Amen.            

Miami as the next step?

Dec. 13, 1987 Miami Beach, FL – warm, winding and refreshing

Psalm 102:15  "The nations will fear the name of the Lord,

    all the kings of the earth will revere your glory."

Yesterday as I was reading the scripture, I was given a desire to move on to greater holiness. Father, only you can deliver me from the sins which so easily beset me. I ask for greater revelation of who you are, and more, greater liberation in my life that I might worship you more freely.  Again, I call upon you to be my deliverer – to deliver e from anger and frustration and in the process grant me deeper peace and rest in you.

Joseph has gone to the consulate to renew Lyle’s visa for his return to Colombia. Nora and her friends have asked us to a meeting with them before we leave and seemed to be hinting that they want us to start a church in Miami. Is this our next step? The doors seem to be opening to Miami quicker than to Medellin. Is this a “Macedonian call?”

Father, you know our many financial needs-- our need for furniture, Joseph’s tuition, tickets back to Colombia, the problems with the car—Father is this is a mountain for me but for you no more than a pebble.

Father, bless our children, care for them while we are away.

                Joseph is looking over Miami as a possibility for a church planting endeavor for the future.

Father, I continue to ask and even plead for healing for daddy.

Busy times!

  Dec. 4, Friday, Alexandria Ohio. Snow.

Psalm 100:2 Serve the Lord with gladness, come before him with joyful songs.

Help me Father to be a joyful Christian – a light to shine to others.

Joseph is well – I talked to him on the phone Wed. night. I have just finished our newsletter and a letter to the pastors and made various Doctor’s appointments. Busy times! Sometimes I wonder if it will ever change -- Probably not.

The girls and I have school every day and advent. We’re enjoying both. John Wesley is a trial for me right now – Father, I need extra grace in this busy season! Amen.

Prayers for wounded hearts

November 17, 1987 Bogotá, Colombia –

Psalm 97.10 “Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.”

As I prayed for the meeting off and on yesterday and last night I sensed the presence of the Lord in a strong and powerful way and others felt it too. Rosalba said as she served coffee she could sense it too. Jorge Molina led the worship and Manuel preached a powerful message and then we prayed for various people. We prayed that you Lord would heal their wounded hearts, and that you would place your love inside, and that they would know you in a deeper way; that they would know you as a loving father and find your peace. Amen.

Return from Costa Rica

November 9, 1987 Bogotá, Colombia –

Psalm 96.3“Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples.”

Joseph returns from Costa Rica today. I pray that this was a good and beneficial time for your kingdom Lord. I pray that the Biggs and Dunaway’s have been blessed and refreshed.

Betsy called me yesterday to give me our schedule from Miami to Columbus on Nov. 21^st for only $405 – PTL! I’m truly glad Lord, I don’t want to worry about the money, so please help me to relax and trust you. Truly you are our provision for we have no jobs, we are in your hands. Thank you for the extra money that came in this month Lord, is it your desire for Joseph to attend the COMIBAM conference in Brazil? Please make this clear for us [Note from Joseph: apparently it was not … I was not able to attend. I did not make it to Brazil until almost 20 years later on a language scholarship]

Father be with us this day and grant us your peace and protection. Be with us as we go about our various ways.

November 5, 1987 - Costa Rica

November 5, 1987 Bogotá, Colombia –

Psalm 95.2“Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.

Joseph left this morning with Basilio Santana to attend a conference in Costa Rica with Charles Simpson and Hugo Zelaya. Joseph is staying with the Dunaways. I really wanted to go and be with Carol and Jane, but not this time I guess. The Children and I leave on Nov. 21^st for the U.S.A. I feel torn to leave and torn to stay, Lord, give us grace please. 

There is so much to do before leaving. I am still taking classes at La Javariana and I think my Spanish is improving. Basilio’s son Hershy is staying with us while Basilio is in Costa Rica.

Hoping for a vacation

September 25, 1987 Bogota, Colombia

Psalm 86.2
“Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God.” Vs. 11, Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

Father, what is it that I am feeling? I feel so melancholy, so irritable. Claudia is nearly driving me up a wall. I’m tired of having people around me ALL the time – is there no peace? Father help me, I can’t stand it anymore.

We are going to take some of our money and go to Melgar (2 hours away) for a one week vacation. I hope it all works out – Father please go before us. Lord, my heart’s desire is toward you I need your strength right now.

My Spanish classes are going well – I am learning a lot. Our class has students from several countries and it is very interesting. It is very hard to express myself right now, so I think I will stop. Maybe I will write more later.

Sept 23, 1987, back to Bogota

September 23, 1987 Bogota, Colombia

“Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps." ~Psalm 85:13

Thank you Lord for going before us and preparing the way. Thank you Lord for the friends and family you have given to us, truly the lines have fallen out to us in pleasant places.

Last night I called mom and dad to let them know that Joseph and the kids made it ok. They sounded good, it is always nice to talk to them. Daddy said he was counting the days and I said “so am I!” Also, he said that when Ruthy came up over the ramp at the Columbus airport, she was dragging her backpack like it was heavy, but when she saw ‘papa’ it flew the rest of the way. When she got to daddy she hugged him and said, “you know what Grandpa? – I love you!” Johnny was speaking a combination of English and Spanish so Granma learned some new words like ‘venga’ and ‘vaca’ and Daddy thought he was saying “tobacco” and was going to give him his pipe. It was a rich time for all of them and soon the rest of us will go. John Wesley slept with Grandpa Holbrook and preferred him over Grandma. He is a real daddy’s boy, and of course Grandpa loved the constant attention.

I received nice letters from Vicki Meadows and Nancy Dawson. I felt weepy as I read them – so much has changed. 

September 22, 1987 Bogota, Colombia

“Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their heart on pilgrimage." ~Psalm 84:5

Joseph has returned from his trip to the states – refreshed and renewed in vision. Joseph had all day Sunday (9/12) with our parents – basking in the beautiful fall day. Thank you Lord for answering my prayers renewing and refreshing Joseph and for increasing his desire to pray. The time was right for him to get away from the battle for a while.

Today Joseph walked me to school and we had hot chocolate at the little café and talked about the future. I feel excited about the future again. Betsy wrote me a letter from family camp – labor day weekend. It sounded good. Dan’s father had a heart attack and is in serious condition, and his step-mother is slowing of cancer. Father, strengthen Dan and Grace as they walk through the valley of the shadow of death. 

September 1987

I just started the first page of a new journal book ... continuing into September. Feeling happy-sadness this morning, if that makes any sense. What a richly blessed man I have been to have had the privilege of knowing, loving and having 4 amazing children with this awesome woman!

July 23, 1987 - prayer

July 23, 1987  Bogota, Colombia  -  Cool

"Surely god is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." ~Psalm 54:4

Thank you Lord for sustaining me, for giving me strength when I am weary. Father I commit this day to you and ask that you help me see the things you are doing so that I won’t waste our time. Grant me discernment Lord. Teach me your way, train my hands for battle. Instruct me in the night. Lord this morning I recommit my life to you. Help me father to overcome my weariness within myself. Father, I desire to glorify you in all I do and say. Father, I pray for protection for our children today as they go their various directions.

Continue to minister to our parents, Lord. Bless them. Bless our home with your love and peace. Amen.

July 22, 1987 prayer of thanksgiving

July 22, 1987  Bogota, Colombia  -  Warm

     "God Looks Down From Heaven On The Sons Of Men To See If If There Are any Who Understand, Any Who Seek God." ~Psalm 53:2

Lord, I know that I am a sinner saved by grace but I pray that when you look down from Heaven  I could at least be one of the ones who seek you and to do your will. Father, continue to renew my mind and change my perspectives to be like yours. I pray that I would walk with you and fellowship Lord. I love you Lord.

Thank you for my Husband and children and for the opportunity to serve your people Lord. Thank you for our parents Lord. Father, please bless them and keep them in your care. Thank you Lord. Amen

July 21, 1987 - fatigue

 July 21, 1987  Bogota, Colombia    -    Warm

 "Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." --Psalm 51:12
        Father, I feel so weary right now, so tired from serving. I know its good to sow to these relationships and to do all these things but I am so tired.

        On Sunday, Pastor Jarvis, Rick and Janet Allen, Bill and Jaime Miller, Karen Rankin came to stay a week with us.  They are very nice people, I really love Jaime's spirit especially. She teaches Dance & Worship and I wish the girls could partake in her gift. They are seeking the will of God, for their lives right now. Lord, we too ask for your direction in their lives. It feels like there is potential for an eternal relationship there.  Karen and Pam flew back to the States this morning.  Our girls are in school, John Wesley is at the park with Soraya. Its good to be quiet in the morning. Johnny's foot, (which he burned by the coffee) is doing better, (PTL!)  Ruthie has finished her meds for Tonsillitis. Joseph is still taking meds, Oh Lord, when will this end? I didn't ask for this. Lord Jesus, please watch over our children and protect them as you did for me and keep them away from those who would lead them into harm. Father, save them from that pain, strengthen them Oh lord. Amen

July 16, 1987 - 34th birthday

July 16, 1987 Bogota, Colombia Warm

"Create in me a pure heart, Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me." --Psalm 51:10

Lord, this is my desire. That you would continue renewing my mind and making me to be more like you.

Today, I am 34 years old, After the girls went to school we left John with Soraya, and went up to the North end of the city to look around and have lunch. Joseph bought me a small camera for my birthday. Then at 4:30 we had cake with Soraya and Claudia. It is also Soraya's Birthday. Mom and Dad also called to wish me a Happy Birthday and to tell me that Daddy had had the surgery for the cancer on his ear and they took the whole ear.

Dear God, please be with them and heal them. Please watch over them, I love them.

July 15, 1987 - identity

July 15, 1987 Bogota, Colombia - Warm

"He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me and prepares the way so that I may show them the salvation of God." ---Psalm 50:23

Lord, I thank you for everything and I pray for your guidance.

Last night, I watched a movie called "Yentyl" and it stirred up alot of feelings and showed me what I have been carrying. God created me to be a women, but I am much more comfortable as a man. I'm much more comfortable doing manly things (milking cows, working on the farm, building things, etc.) I feel a great void inside.

Lord, I pray that you would fill that void. Lord, I realize that the desire to have a woman to disciple me is probably a desire not met in my childhood. Lord, I choose to forgive and forget that part of my life. Lord, heal the void and please end the ceaseless struggle within. You have been faithful in the past and I know that you will continue to be. You are a God of Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow and I pray that you would be with the child within me who is still un whole. Your word says that you are a Father, to the Fatherless. Can you also be a Mother, to the Motherless. Can you restore my heritage to me as a woman because the enemy has surely stolen it away. Amen.

July 9, 1987 - trials

July 9, 1987  Bogota, Colombia     -       Cool & Rainy

 "Great is the name of the Lord, and most worthy of praise." ---Psalm 48:1

7am: We had a prayer and said Goodbye to Karen and Pam. The Lord rally has touched their hearts with eternity. Father-complete your work in them. Lyle, Carol, Olga, Joaquin and Ricki went to the Airport to see them off and bring Joseph and Frank home. They have returned from their conference with the Pan American Missionaries in Medellin. 

Yesterday was a hard day, Rod called about the money that the Church owes us , Joseph called and said that his wallet was stolen and John scalded his foot with hot coffee and we had to take him to the Doctor. He has 2nd degree burns. The Lord, really touched him because he didn't really cry last night and woke up happy and bouncy this morning. 

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness to us. For a neighbor who is a Doctor and so much more. Amen.

July 6, 1987 - surrounded with troubles

July 6, 1987 Bogota, Colombia Cold

"God is our refuge and strength and ever present help in trouble." --Psalm 46:11

        Last night when I went to bed, I felt burdened. I felt as if everything around me was (is) being shaken. Dan's mother is dying of cancer, a young couple that the Dunaways know just lost their 2 week old baby, Mark and Tacee are going through severe problems.

       Lord, so much is going wrong in our Church back home. I feel so discouraged, like a real failure. We thought we were building right--what went wrong? I feel so bad for Rod and Sandi. Lord, what did we do wrong? But then with the Psalmist I can say you are our refuge and strength and ever present help in trouble and we cry out to you Lord.

June 25, 1987 - The Big White Elephant

Bogota, Colombia Rainy & Cool

"Why must I goo about oppressed by the enemy? Send forth Your light and Your truth and let them guide me. "--Psalm 43:2

Lord, until we began to share our struggles with Dan & Grace and began to tease and laugh with each other, the tension and the oppression were an unbearable weight. Thank you Lord for sending your light and truth. Thank you for hearing our cries and answering. Thank you for your faithfulness.

Today, Frank & Carol arrive from Costa Rica and Pam & Karen from the U.S. Lord, please continue to guide and direct our paths. The men who have been touring Medellin, Hague and Calli are all blessed by their result and are having wonderful times as well as trying ones. The big white car has had several problems, the guys have even had to get you and push it some. Lord, please redeem this situation.