Praying Psalm 23 ...

Debbie's prayer and Psalm 23

Letting go and pressing on ...

2013.24.07

I have been in Ohio for several days and have visited Debbie’s grave. Staying here with my parents, without Debbie or my kids has been weird. It takes me back to my early twenties before I had a life, or a wife or a family.  I have not been doing the usual things that energize me or help numb the pain. I think this is good, sooner or later I have to face the pain and get through it. Can’t go around it.

It feels like my life is over, and in a real sense I think it is. Now, I have the opportunity before me to start a new life, IF I can somehow let go of the old one. Makes me think of St. Paul’s words in Philippians:

but one thingI do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

It is hard for me to “forget what lies behind” precisely because what lies behind is SO good! And because it feels like disloyalty to one I loved. However, I think I need to make a decision to let go, and press on.

Deb wrote this verse in her journal in July 2005:

Happy Birthday Debbie!!

Debbie's birthday 2005

Prayer for John on July 25, 2005

I sat out on the back patio last night and had the most wonderful conversation with my son, my youngest. We went to deep place and touched level 5 fellowship -- a little bit of eternity. Thank you God, what a privilege for me who did not deserve any children at all! 

here is Debbie's prayer from her journal on July 25, 2005:

And her prayer continues on the next page ...

Notice that the "answer" part has stayed blank since 2005, which was 8 years ago. But after our conversation last night, ,I think that I may be able to go back in and pencil in an answer to her prayer soon!

"Lord, bring glory to yourself thru me & my life" July 12, 2005

Deb wrote the following over two days, July 11-12 in 2005. It captures the dilemma of walking by faith. We are to claim blessings and protection from God in faith, but we are also to embrace suffering with joy and gratitude. The part about her journal entry that impresses me the most, is the sentence "Lord, bring glory to yourself thru me and my life." Perhaps God get more glory by her life AND her death ... her prayers recorded in her journal.

Jeremiah 29:11 and prayer for Joseph

Shortly after Debbie’s diagnosis and just before I went to Brazil, someone shared Jeremiah 29:11 with me. Then 2 or 3 other people shared it with us independently. Debbie and I found comfort in it. When I arrived in Brazil, I visited as many Catholic and Protestant churches as I could as part of my research. In EVERY single service (11 or 12), Jeremiah 29:11 was read out loud (in Portuguese of course) or referred to. Coincidence?  I think not.

Over the seven years we often took comfort and found courage in the words from Jeremiah. However, it occurred to me on more than one occasion that maybe the promise was not for both of us, but rather for me. I kept that secret doubt to myself. For Debbie, there was ultimately a different and much better promise: “whereI am, you will be also.”

Dealing with long-term, chronic illness can have severe and devastating effects on individuals and families. Often there is divorce, or families or friendships are ruptured. Debbie knew this and sensed the potential negative effects that her illness and death might have on me, and in this passage, she prayed for me. I am still leaning on these prayers!

July 7, 2005 Happy Birthday to Sarah

Hey Sarah! Happy birthday from me and mom!

and from Paul McCartney!

Good morning Father! prayer for friends - Col 4

Debbie's prayer on July 6 2005, a few weeks after her initial diagnosis. I was in Brazil at the time.

July 3, 2005 - choosing a surgeon and prayer

July 3, 2005. Blue skies – Homestead/Princeton, FL

     Lord thank you for being my real life and that I am “hidden” in you (Colossians 3). And please help me to live this new life that you’ve given me so that others might know you. Help me to lay aside my fears.

     I met with Dr. Edelman Friday. He seems very nice, caring and knowledgeable. Jessy went with me. He said that I am most likely going to have the left breast and lymph nodes removed. The PET will be the final conclusive test (7-5-05). So, I must decide who I want to be my surgeon and at what facility. Father, please help me with this decision. I know you are with me no matter what I choose, so I guess I should choose what is the easier for my family. I just realized this may be ongoing so Baptist will be closer for treatments, etc. Father, guide me because I cannot see the road ahead but I know you can and I know you love me. Thank you for all these things, Amen.

June 27 2005, Cancer diagnosis ....

June 27 2005, Miami/Homestead, FL (Cloudy)

Good morning Father!

It has been a week since we received a diagnosis of cancer. We are still doing tests to determine the origin. I am  battling a lot of pain. Philippians I (end of the chapter) says “There’s far more to this life than trusting in Christ, there’s also suffering for him. And the Suffering is as much a gift as the trusting.”

Father, I embrace you and your will and I realize as I do that I am also embracing the cross and suffering. The Bible mentions suffering as a gift in Colossians as well. It is not easy, but I pray that your will would be accomplished and that you would bring glory to your name. Father, I don’t want this to sound religious or pious – I simply want you to do your will and ask you to help me as I go through it.

This journal is the beginning of a journey that the Lord is taking me on. I’m sure it began before, but I wll being with Sunday, June 12 in our Miami Team mtg. the Lord (I believe) spoke to me and said “Debbie, I am going to lay you low for a time” Joseph at first didn't believe it, but after we got the diagnosis on Friday (6/17), he asked e what kind of look Jesus had on his face when he said it … I said one of love and compassion, sadness that I would have to pass through this time. So, now I am trying to find my way through this maze called “cancer” Joseph is in Brazil for 6 weeks of language study and research for this thesis. We both felt peace about him continuing with his plans. I told him the testing could take a while anyway. So he is there and we IM (Instant messenger) a couple times a day. He said there are about 30 students from all over the U.S.

I have received emails, calls, cards and visits from around the world – people letting me know they are praying for me and sharing encouraging testimonies of victory over cancer. So, I continue … day by day, looking for your guidance through this journey that “we” have begun. Thank you Lord that you are with me and will never leave me and that you love me.

8 long years ago today - July 1, 2005

Last August, as we were cleaning out old things and I was getting rid of books to make more room in my office, I came across Debbie’s last journal, from 2010 through May 2012. It was so precious me.

When I went to Ohio, my kids were still hauling away boxes of old books to Goodwill that I no longer wanted. When I came back from Ohio, one day I realized I could not locate Debbie’s journal! I tore through all of my boxes and the whole house to no avail. It was the worst moment after her death … I was afraid it had been inadvertanly taken to Goodwill. I felt like I lost her all over again by losing her precious thoughts of the past two years.

My daughter, Jessica, told me that it would turn up when the time was right. Yesterday, as I was looking through my shelves in my office for another book, guess what I found? This journal entry below was her second entry after receiving the diagnosis in June, exactly 8 years ago today! You can only imagine how emotional I felt. 

Tomorrow I will post her entry from June 27, which was her first entry after receiving the diagnosis of cancer. I will eventually get back to 1987 and finish the story of our two years in South America! Thanks ~

J. Holbrook.

............................

July 1, 2005 – cloudy in Princeton, FL.

  Good morning Father! (I read Colossians 2).

  Thank you that the real substance of life is in Jesus and that I don’t have to live by rules and regulations. There is such freedom in you! thank you Lord.  Yesterday, when I was in the MRI tube, Psalm 2 and thought of the song “rescued.”

  Yesterday I had a breast cancer MRI done, only one test to go, that’s the PET scan (7/5/05). Then I will be meeting with the surgeon, Dr. Moffat, to discuss what to do on 7/12/05.  I still feel peaceful –

 
        I see another surgeon today, Dr. Edleman.   Thank you Father for your presence, Go with me today, please. Amen.

Mamaw, Are You Going to Die?

(My daughter Sarah recently found some little children's stories that Debbie wrote for our grandchildren on her old laptop. I am posting one of them here ~ Joseph)

~ sometime in 2005 ~

After reading some children’s books about cancer, Aaron (age 6 at the time) asked, “Mamaw

            (short for Grandma), do you have brain cancer?”   “No, Aaron, I don’t have brain cancer.” “That’s good, Mamaw, brain cancer can kill you. Yes, it can, I replied. Where is your cancer? Under my arm, I answered, so he wanted to feel the lumps. And he worried that he would get cancer too. One night when he couldn’t go to sleep, his mommy asked him what was wrong and found him feeling under his arm., but she told him that cancer is not contagious and that he could not catch it from me. He was relieved and able to sleep then.

                                                       

Sierra asked if I would lose my hair and I told her yes, but I could wear hats to keep my head warm and that my hair would grow back when I finish taking chemo. So, when we look at pictures, I am Mamaw with hair or Mamaw without hair.

Sierra and Marcus like to pull my hat off to feel my head and check to see if the hair is growing. Sierra always reassures me that I still look beautiful, even bald.

                          

And Alexander doesn’t ask a lot of questions, he just enjoys coming over to my house for “time with Mamaw”. We usually play soldiers on our blanket mountains and caves and sometimes we just laugh and play together on the bed (even Baby Tristan gets in on the rumpus). Alexander really doesn’t like it when they drop me off for a doctor’s appointment or chemo, but I try to reassure him that I will be fine and that I will come back home.

                                                                                                                               

Recently, Aaron was sad so we talked about it. I asked him if he was afraid I would die and he nodded his head. I told him that we will all die someday and go to live in heaven with Jesus if we love him. I explained that it would be like me walking out the front door…you wouldn’t be able to see me but you would know where I am.