Today was one of those days. I felt lost, like I could not find my way home. I drove over to the Fruit and Spice park at 2 pm. It is a bright and sunny day, but everything felt dark. I enjoyed meeting some new people and walking around the park. Then I came home and took a nap.
When I awoke, I didn’t want to get up. What is the point? In the past, taking salsa lessons, studying, reading, thinking, writing helped me soften the pain, or at least forget it. I have been working hard, developing course material and teaching classes.
Now however, dancing no longer interests me and I am actually tired of reading books. There is no point to writing and posting online, no one cares and nothing will change.
Is this what ‘nothingness’ is like?
The Finnish theologian, Tuomo Mannerma, talking about Luther’s theology of Two Loves, says,
“God works in two ways; God leads human beings into hell and then brings them back again. In other words, God turns human beings into “nothing,” making them weak and crazy sinners, but also makes them “be” and exist again, making them holy, strong and wise. Luther calls the former action the work of God’s left hand, and the latter the work of God’s right hand” ~ Two Kinds of Love, Martin Luther’s religious world, p. 32.
So, I guess this awful place I am in makes me somehow an extraordinary candidate for God’s creative love? I’d like to see exactly how that works.
“God gives life to the dead and calls into being that which does not exist.” (Romans 4:17) but I didn't know it would be this awful getting dead and coming to nothing.
God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no [t]man may boast before God. (1 Corinthians 1:27-29)
Well look at me now, there is no boasting going on now, is there?