Monday, September 8, 2014

Silly dreams ....

I got into a one-sided discussion last night in my dreams apparently. I was spending time with Debbie, and I looked at her and said

“I’m confused. You are here with me, but I distinctly remember putting your body in a box and putting it in the ground.”

She just sat there and smiled.

“So you can’t be here. You are in Ohio in a box in the ground. How can you be in two places at once? This is confusing me.

She just smiled and then I woke up.

But before I completely woke up, I found myself jogging in Bogotá Colombia. I kept running and running down streets that I vaguely remember, trying to find my way back home. Part of the time I was barefoot, part of the time I had running shoes on. I was also have trouble seeing …. I had to squint to make out the street signs.

When I awakened, I remembered that I am in Miami, Florida and that Debbie is resting in Johnstown, Ohio.

Silly dreams ….

Thursday, September 4, 2014

A tree in winter: Desolation in black and white.

The lonely tree in winter

I have been trying to find images to describe a feeling that I have had lately. The only thing that comes close is a memory I have of a bare tree standing alone in a field at the end of November, roughly around Thanksgiving weekend. The sky in Ohio is typically overcast, the ground is wet with soggy leaves on the ground and the temperature is hovering around 35 to 40 degrees. Not cold enough for snow, but still too cold to enjoy the outdoors. This mental image in my mind comes with a feeling of sorrow and desolation, a feeling of decaying death and solitude. Rather melancholy, yes?
This is how I feel now in this season of my life. Desolation in black and white. Just a few years ago, in the middle of Debbie’s seven-year battle with cancer, there was a brilliant sunset lighting up the breath-taking reds, browns and oranges of the turning leaves. Life was hard but it was so GOOD. Such beauty. Courage in the face of overwhelming odds. Nobility of spirit.

However, just as there is really only one such breath taking weekend near the middle to end of October, the brilliant fall season in our lives was gone far too quickly. But I was unprepared for November desolation!

I tried to find a photo on the internet that would capture my feelings. I tried googling “bare”, “soggy”, “cold”, “fall”, “black and white”, “lonely” and came up empty. Perhaps the closest I came was this photo (B=below), which still does not convey the hopeless cold desolation the image in my mind carries.
I think back to the many years of raising children and planting churches as the ‘summer’ of my life. In the words of the immortal Beatles,

Those were the days, my friend, we thought they would never end …”

When I reminisce about my early years of marriage, and the truly exciting spiritual discoveries we were making, as, what appeared to be a whole new world opened before us, it would seem to me to have been the exhilarating “Spring-time” of our lives. Babies, new life, new growth, love was in the air!

But now here I am standing before this old bare tree, at least in my memory, feeling alone and desolate. I hope the first snows hurry up, perhaps there will at least be an austere beauty in the winter.

There is a scene from the Lord of the Rings second film, “The Two Towers” which describes this feeling better than anything else I can think of. It is when Elrond is trying to convince Arwen to leave Middle Earth and he prophesies to her the end of her life after her love, Lord Aragon has died. 

I realize that this post was entirely dark. A good post should have a ray of light SOMEWHERE, right?  By now, you are all undoubtedly deppressed with me. Not necessarily a good outcome. So, I ask myself, is this it?

or is it possible that after a beautiful and quiet winter I might experience another Spring time of love and new life? After all, we all experience the changing of the seasons repeatedly, multiple times throughout our lives. Well ... I will let you know as soon as I find out .... stay tuned or tune back in, in a few months!

Saturday, July 12, 2014

The unhealing wound of a heart amputation

I feel the pain tonight,
Deep in my gut,
The feeling of loss
The emptiness of your absence
The unhealing wound of a heart amputation.

Will it never go away?
Will this heart-wound ever heal?
Will I always feel this way?
I guess it was true love
If it hurts this much.

I have good days
and bad days
and blah days when I do not give a shit ...
But this sick feeling in my stomach is always there.
I miss you.
It’s not, and never will be, the same without you.

Secret Garden - Once In A Red Moon

Saturday, April 12, 2014

June 10, 2010 "I release you"

I have finally found some grace to begin organizing my papers and going through files (about time after almost 2 years!).

I came across this letter, which for some reason was not included in the original journal entry for that week but was written as an afterthought and place in a file with our wills. I have not cried much for the last 3 years, but I caught a soft sob in my throat as I read this ....

Saturday, February 8, 2014

...and then you were gone

Dust to dust,
Ashes to ashes.
We met, we loved, we fought, we made up.
But most of all, we loved.
Back-to-back, we took life head-on.
And then you were gone.
And my soul wanders on, lost, alone and incomplete.

Monday, January 27, 2014

I arise today .... "Faeth Fiada" St. Patrick's Breastplate (originally written in Old Irish from the 5th to the 8th century)

I arise today Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,

God's host to save me
From snares of devils,
From temptations of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone and in multitude.
I summon today all these powers between me and those evils,
Against every cruel merciless power
that may oppose my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.
Christ to shield me today
Against poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against wounding,

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Finding Solitude

"All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.
Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love."