One year ago this week

2013.05.18  -

I have been having a lot of bittersweet flashbacks of Debbie for the last week or so. May 10^th was our last anniversary together …this week, one year ago, is when she began to quickly decline, ending with her death on June 4^th.

A year ago my kids and I were trying to decide if it was time to call hospice. One year ago was a descent into emotional hell. I have known a lot of people who have died, in the last few years a lot of dear friends. But Debbie was so real … she filled the space around her with love and gentleness … goodness. How can all that bundle of goodness just disappear?

There does not seem to be very much in this life that is enduring, unchanging.

Miami Beach - Born to Pioneer

Dec. 12, 1987 Miami Beach, FL – Sunny, warm and beautiful

Psalm 101.2-3 “I will be careful to lead a blameless life—
    when will you come to me?

I will conduct the affairs of my house
    with a blameless heart.
³ I will not look with approval
    on anything that is vile.”

the one whose walk is blameless
    will minister to me.

⁷ No one who practices deceit
    will dwell in my house;
no one who speaks falsely
    will stand in my presence.

♪ Oh Lord, our Lord, how majestic is Your name in allthe earth, Hallelujah! ♪

Lord, I am moved at your creation, I am awed at its beauty and strength. Truly you are a great God and all powerful to have created it all.

As I write I am sitting on the balcony of the our tenth floor hotel room overlooking Miami Beach and the Atlantic Ocean. Joseph and I are having a wonderful reunion after three weeks of separation. I flew down yesterday to meet him alone. Last night Joseph and I took a walk on the beach, there aren’t many people around and it is so peaceful and relaxing.

The waves on the beach are unending with a magnetic attraction that makes me keep watching them. There are sailboats and seagulls everywhere, it would even be tempting to want to live near the ocean.

I just read an article about church planting and the discouragement and struggles that come with it. Surely we have encountered the discouragement and weariness and the constant battle to forgive and go on in the midst of criticism, but I never could be a settler, I think I was born to be a pioneer.

I’m glad you know the future Lord, and that all we need to do is to keep our eyes on you and you will lead us. Thank you for your faithfulness and love!

happy Mother's Day

Today is my first Mother’s Day without Debbie. Friday was my 39th anniversary. One year ago this weekend, Debbie went out with me for our anniversary to a French restaurant in Coconut Grove. On Mother’s Day 2012, my kids put in a butterfly garden for her. Three weeks later she was gone.

Debbie was an awesome mother and grandmother! We reminisced today how she was always present at every event related to our children and grandchildren. 

I invited my kids over today to help them process her absence. I do not know yet what is would be like to celebrate a Mother’s or Father’s day without my parents. Thank God that experience is still ahead of me.

This has been the weirdest year of my life. After the cancer roller coaster ride of the last seven years, I suddenly found myself alone in a deeper way that I can remember in my adult life. Confused, disoriented,  questioning myself and my identity, at times even angry. Thank God for my friends!  Like Ringo Star, I got by -- ♪ with a little help from my friends ♪

Now, after six or seven years of grief, and almost one year of her absence, I am starting my life over again. I cannot go back, I can only go forward into the unknown tomorrow. I know I will not be the same person tomorrow that I was yesterday. That thought is a little scary for me.

I can only trust that the One who loves us, the One who brought me and Debbie together in the first place, also holds tomorrow in His hands. He is good, and he is not finished with me yet.

“one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead I press on …”

Take me away ♪

reminiscing this morning .... there is still a big empty place in our  hearts ....

Busy times!

  Dec. 4, Friday, Alexandria Ohio. Snow.

Psalm 100:2 Serve the Lord with gladness, come before him with joyful songs.

Help me Father to be a joyful Christian – a light to shine to others.

Joseph is well – I talked to him on the phone Wed. night. I have just finished our newsletter and a letter to the pastors and made various Doctor’s appointments. Busy times! Sometimes I wonder if it will ever change -- Probably not.

The girls and I have school every day and advent. We’re enjoying both. John Wesley is a trial for me right now – Father, I need extra grace in this busy season! Amen.

Where Mourning and Dancing Touch Each Other

~ Henri Nouwen

"[There is] a time for mourning, a time for dancing" (Ecclesiastes 3:4).  But mourning and dancing are never fully separated.  Their "times" do not necessarily follow each other.  In fact, their "times" may become one "time."  Mourning may turn into dancing and dancing into mourning without showing a clear point where one ends and the other starts.

Often our grief allows us to choreograph our dance while our dance creates the space for our grief.  We lose a beloved friend, and in the midst of our tears we discover an unknown joy.  We celebrate a success, and in the midst of the party we feel deep sadness.  Mourning and dancing, grief and laughter, sadness and gladness - they belong together as the sad-faced clown and the happy-faced clown, who make us both cry and laugh.  Let's trust that the beauty of our lives becomes visible where mourning and dancing touch each other."

Mamaw, Are You Going to Die?

(My daughter Sarah recently found some little children's stories that Debbie wrote for our grandchildren on her old laptop. I am posting one of them here ~ Joseph)

~ sometime in 2005 ~

After reading some children’s books about cancer, Aaron (age 6 at the time) asked, “Mamaw

            (short for Grandma), do you have brain cancer?”   “No, Aaron, I don’t have brain cancer.” “That’s good, Mamaw, brain cancer can kill you. Yes, it can, I replied. Where is your cancer? Under my arm, I answered, so he wanted to feel the lumps. And he worried that he would get cancer too. One night when he couldn’t go to sleep, his mommy asked him what was wrong and found him feeling under his arm., but she told him that cancer is not contagious and that he could not catch it from me. He was relieved and able to sleep then.

                                                       

Sierra asked if I would lose my hair and I told her yes, but I could wear hats to keep my head warm and that my hair would grow back when I finish taking chemo. So, when we look at pictures, I am Mamaw with hair or Mamaw without hair.

Sierra and Marcus like to pull my hat off to feel my head and check to see if the hair is growing. Sierra always reassures me that I still look beautiful, even bald.

                          

And Alexander doesn’t ask a lot of questions, he just enjoys coming over to my house for “time with Mamaw”. We usually play soldiers on our blanket mountains and caves and sometimes we just laugh and play together on the bed (even Baby Tristan gets in on the rumpus). Alexander really doesn’t like it when they drop me off for a doctor’s appointment or chemo, but I try to reassure him that I will be fine and that I will come back home.

                                                                                                                               

Recently, Aaron was sad so we talked about it. I asked him if he was afraid I would die and he nodded his head. I told him that we will all die someday and go to live in heaven with Jesus if we love him. I explained that it would be like me walking out the front door…you wouldn’t be able to see me but you would know where I am.