I am re-reading this morning from Debbie’s journal of July 2009.
Debbie wished her mom a happy birthday and wrote:
“Yesterday I pulled weeds and loaded wood in the wheel barrow and cut hedges and I think it helped me. Joseph and I went out to Boteco (a Brazilian restaurant) to listen to Bossa Nova music. While there, we met a UM Dean Leo & Angie. They seemed quite nice. We have no idea what the future holds, but I am confident that you are in control; I just want the best for us. Joesph worries about it too much, I think. Each day is an adventure for me.”
She was right, I worry too much.
Last night I went to see my friend Dr. Sam Lopez about my A-Fib condition. We found that there was a large area of emotional grief that was contributing to the stress on my heart. There was also a lifestyle component (too much alcohol) and a physical cause (too much weight and not enough rest).
We re-framed the grief to reduce it. There was also a fairly high level of dread about the future that comes from my anxiety about the next step (a full time job). Sam went back into my past when I was six years old and helped me reprocess my memories of my dad going from cheerful and playful to withdrawn and morose over financial problems.
When I was thinking about my grief over all of these things, I visualized myself giving my troubled and stressed heart (physically and emotionally) to Jesus. I had a distinct impression of Jesus coming to me and saying “You believe, in God, believe also in me – let your heart not be troubled!” As soon as I repeated the verse to myself, I broke and began to weep. It felt profoundly significant.
There are intellectual atheists and there are pragmatic atheists: I guess I have been the latter.