♪ Fightings and fears, within and without ....

This song represents how I feel this morning, especially the "fightings and fears, within and without" part ...

♪     Just as I am, though tossed about 
 with many a conflict, many a doubt, 
 fightings and fears within, without, 
 O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Morning meditations

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Debbie … with kind of a weird ‘shock’ I realized that she was gone …. We had talked so much about that eventuality during seven years …. And now the nightmare future is here and I am living in a dim grey world in which she is not present.

Will I ever get over this? Get over her and her absence …. When I woke up last night, I vividly remembered the first time I saw here … I was 17 in study hall, she was 15. For all of my adult life, she was the sweet symbol of womanhood, femininity and sexuality … and grew into my best friend and soul mate ….

We shared our DNA and created four beautiful human beings – and then we shared our gifts and energies and created three churches … that are still around and thriving.

With her gone it is very much like part of me is gone … a very large part of me. It is like my entire adult life and identity is gone …. What is left? Do I really have to start a whole new life at 62? And forge a new identity? Do I even have ‘time” to create a new life before I too will be gone?

I need to go back and reread C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed.” Maybe I am taking too long to get through this … Maybe I just need to “man-up” and move on.

Shit.