Praying Psalm 23 ...

Debbie's prayer and Psalm 23

Spiritual Dryness

From Henri Nouwen
Sometimes we experience a terrible dryness in our spiritual life.  We feel no desire to pray, don't experience God's presence, get bored with worship services, and even think that everything we ever believed about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is little more than a childhood fairy tale.   

Then it is important to realise that most of these feelings and thoughts are just feelings and thoughts, and that the Spirit of God dwells beyond our feelings and thoughts.  It is a great grace to be able to experience God's presence in our feelings and thoughts, but when we don't, it does not mean that God is absent.  It often means that God is calling us to a greater faithfulness.  It is precisely in times of spiritual dryness that we must hold on to our spiritual discipline so that we can grow into new intimacy with God.

Letting go and pressing on ...

2013.24.07

I have been in Ohio for several days and have visited Debbie’s grave. Staying here with my parents, without Debbie or my kids has been weird. It takes me back to my early twenties before I had a life, or a wife or a family.  I have not been doing the usual things that energize me or help numb the pain. I think this is good, sooner or later I have to face the pain and get through it. Can’t go around it.

It feels like my life is over, and in a real sense I think it is. Now, I have the opportunity before me to start a new life, IF I can somehow let go of the old one. Makes me think of St. Paul’s words in Philippians:

but one thingI do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

It is hard for me to “forget what lies behind” precisely because what lies behind is SO good! And because it feels like disloyalty to one I loved. However, I think I need to make a decision to let go, and press on.

Deb wrote this verse in her journal in July 2005:

the thin thread of conversation

The quote below is from Peter Berger's Sacred Canopy" written in 1967. I find it profoundly describes one of the more disturbing aspects of my present distressing liminal condition.

p. 17 – "The world is maintained as subjective reality by the same sort of conversation, be it with the same or with new significant others (such as spouses, friends, or other associates). If such conversation is disrupted (the spouse dies, the friends disappear, or one comes to leave one’s original social milieu), the world begins to totter, to lose its subjective plausibility. In other words, the subjective reality of the world hangs on the thin thread of conversation."

~ Peter Berger, "The Sacred Canopy" 1967.

July 20 2013. Grief

I just arrived on my parents farm and I am forced to deal with a whole other layer of grief. Everywhere I look around me I have dozens of memories of Debbie. I talked with some people who have lost loved ones years ago -- in my friend Steve Humble's case, 17 years ago he lost his son. Apparently, the pain never goes away entirely.

Lord, help me face this and embrace the pain. It is good that it hurts ... that means it was real love. What kind of "love" would it be if it didn't hurt?

I walked up the hill to Debbie's grave this morning ... I am not very good company right now.

Happy Birthday Debbie!!

Debbie's birthday 2005

My musings on the summer of 2005

I started this blog to honor Debbie's memory and to help me process her departure as I read through her journal. One other reason, was to help me organize my thoughts and notes in order to write a book about her courageous struggle of cancer and her "journey of ascent" back home to God.

Today, I started writing some rough notes on some my thoughts. I will begin posting them periodically until I am ready to publish them into a book form.

I wrote the following this morning:

My musings on the summer of 2005. Brazil and cancer.

As I read through Debbie’s journal in the summer of 2005, I am struck by several things. One was her constant joyful intimacy with the heavenly Father. There is rarely a journal entry in which she did not wish him a “good morning”, almost always with an exclamation point. She had a deep and constant relationship with God that was intimate, trusting and real.

The second thing that strikes me is that her journal is mostly prayer. She noted the weather occasionally, she noted down a scripture for the day, but as she processed through her cancer and her emotional struggles, she constantly broke into all kinds of prayer and conversation with God. Petitions. crying out for help, but most often prayers of thanksgiving. She literately “prayed without ceasing.” She especially prayed for me, our children and our grandchildren. In the midst of dealing with the stress and fear of cancer, she found time to lift up a prayer for Alexander, who was only a baby at the time, for his future spouse!

I was in Brazil during most of July and early August and we kept in touch through MSN messenger (I spent a fortune in Internet shops). It was a definitive summer for both of us; I came to a clearer understanding of my call to influence secular young people, especially graduate students and she was coming to grips with a cancer diagnosis. We had not yet been told that the cancer was inoperable or stage 4, so there were many unknowns and we had much hope for an eventual cure. I felt a little guilty being in Brazil, having a blast with a bunch of young people while she was home dealing with doctors appointments and the fear of cancer. Nevertheless, we had both agreed upon this and it was part of our journey.

One of the sub-themes for me during this trip was to develop confidence in God’s grace working in me to give me strength to overcome sexual temptation. Rio de Janeiro has a reputation of being one of the most sensual and sexual cities in the world (What happens in Rio stays in Rio). I was a little scared of the dangers of my own weakness, but we had both sensed that God was directing me into this opportunity. I had arranged for a couple of my close friends to call me on a weekly basis to ask me how I was doing with temptation. Neither one of them ever called. Nevertheless, I found abundant grace available to me as I spent lots of unstructured time in the company of a bunch of young people, including some very beautiful young women. I kept thinking back to the movie, The Mission and theme song of Gabriel’s Oboe. I visualized myself as a young Father Gabriel living in the sensual Rio de Janeiro jungle, and the melody that was playing on my oboe was my love for Debbie and our thirty years (in 2005) of faithful commitment to one another. And the natives were drawn to my music!

It was during this trip that I met xxxxx xxxxx  a mid-30s PhD student in Brazilian history from an Ivey League school in the Northeast. She was deeply impressed about my love story with Debbie and the fact that we were dealing with a cancer diagnosis while I was in Brazil for language study. As we were at breakfast overlooking the breath taking view of Copacabana Beach with a group of students, she pointedly asked me what was the secret of our successful marriage. And that conversation led us into a fruitful friendship centered around Christ for these past eight years. I would go back to Brazil for another 5 weeks in 2007 and this time take Debbie with me (she was temporarily in remission). And guess who we ran into? My friend the PhD student 'just happened' to be back in Brazil doing research. This time, it would be Debbie who would make a profound impact on her life.

Prayer for John on July 25, 2005

I sat out on the back patio last night and had the most wonderful conversation with my son, my youngest. We went to deep place and touched level 5 fellowship -- a little bit of eternity. Thank you God, what a privilege for me who did not deserve any children at all! 

here is Debbie's prayer from her journal on July 25, 2005:

And her prayer continues on the next page ...

Notice that the "answer" part has stayed blank since 2005, which was 8 years ago. But after our conversation last night, ,I think that I may be able to go back in and pencil in an answer to her prayer soon!

letting go ....

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us  ~ Joseph Campbell

Putting out the lamp

Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come ~ Rabindranath Tagore

"Lord, bring glory to yourself thru me & my life" July 12, 2005

Deb wrote the following over two days, July 11-12 in 2005. It captures the dilemma of walking by faith. We are to claim blessings and protection from God in faith, but we are also to embrace suffering with joy and gratitude. The part about her journal entry that impresses me the most, is the sentence "Lord, bring glory to yourself thru me and my life." Perhaps God get more glory by her life AND her death ... her prayers recorded in her journal.

Henri Nouwen - Tending Our Own Wounds First

Our own experience with loneliness, depression, and fear can become a gift

for others, especially when we have received good care.  As long as our wounds are open and bleeding, we scare others away.   But after someone has carefully tended to our wounds, they no longer frighten us or others.

When we experience the healing presence of another person, we can discover our own gifts of healing.   Then our wounds allow us to enter into a deep solidarity with our wounded brothers and sisters. ~Henri Nouwen

Jeremiah 29:11 and prayer for Joseph

Shortly after Debbie’s diagnosis and just before I went to Brazil, someone shared Jeremiah 29:11 with me. Then 2 or 3 other people shared it with us independently. Debbie and I found comfort in it. When I arrived in Brazil, I visited as many Catholic and Protestant churches as I could as part of my research. In EVERY single service (11 or 12), Jeremiah 29:11 was read out loud (in Portuguese of course) or referred to. Coincidence?  I think not.

Over the seven years we often took comfort and found courage in the words from Jeremiah. However, it occurred to me on more than one occasion that maybe the promise was not for both of us, but rather for me. I kept that secret doubt to myself. For Debbie, there was ultimately a different and much better promise: “whereI am, you will be also.”

Dealing with long-term, chronic illness can have severe and devastating effects on individuals and families. Often there is divorce, or families or friendships are ruptured. Debbie knew this and sensed the potential negative effects that her illness and death might have on me, and in this passage, she prayed for me. I am still leaning on these prayers!

July 7, 2005 Happy Birthday to Sarah

Hey Sarah! Happy birthday from me and mom!

and from Paul McCartney!

Good morning Father! prayer for friends - Col 4

Debbie's prayer on July 6 2005, a few weeks after her initial diagnosis. I was in Brazil at the time.

Pride, from Deb's journal, July 3, 2005.

I was reading this, this morning.

December 31, 2005 prayer

I hope these prayers (from 2005) are still working! From Deb's journal ...

July 3, 2005 - choosing a surgeon and prayer

July 3, 2005. Blue skies – Homestead/Princeton, FL

     Lord thank you for being my real life and that I am “hidden” in you (Colossians 3). And please help me to live this new life that you’ve given me so that others might know you. Help me to lay aside my fears.

     I met with Dr. Edelman Friday. He seems very nice, caring and knowledgeable. Jessy went with me. He said that I am most likely going to have the left breast and lymph nodes removed. The PET will be the final conclusive test (7-5-05). So, I must decide who I want to be my surgeon and at what facility. Father, please help me with this decision. I know you are with me no matter what I choose, so I guess I should choose what is the easier for my family. I just realized this may be ongoing so Baptist will be closer for treatments, etc. Father, guide me because I cannot see the road ahead but I know you can and I know you love me. Thank you for all these things, Amen.

June 27 2005, Cancer diagnosis ....

June 27 2005, Miami/Homestead, FL (Cloudy)

Good morning Father!

It has been a week since we received a diagnosis of cancer. We are still doing tests to determine the origin. I am  battling a lot of pain. Philippians I (end of the chapter) says “There’s far more to this life than trusting in Christ, there’s also suffering for him. And the Suffering is as much a gift as the trusting.”

Father, I embrace you and your will and I realize as I do that I am also embracing the cross and suffering. The Bible mentions suffering as a gift in Colossians as well. It is not easy, but I pray that your will would be accomplished and that you would bring glory to your name. Father, I don’t want this to sound religious or pious – I simply want you to do your will and ask you to help me as I go through it.

This journal is the beginning of a journey that the Lord is taking me on. I’m sure it began before, but I wll being with Sunday, June 12 in our Miami Team mtg. the Lord (I believe) spoke to me and said “Debbie, I am going to lay you low for a time” Joseph at first didn't believe it, but after we got the diagnosis on Friday (6/17), he asked e what kind of look Jesus had on his face when he said it … I said one of love and compassion, sadness that I would have to pass through this time. So, now I am trying to find my way through this maze called “cancer” Joseph is in Brazil for 6 weeks of language study and research for this thesis. We both felt peace about him continuing with his plans. I told him the testing could take a while anyway. So he is there and we IM (Instant messenger) a couple times a day. He said there are about 30 students from all over the U.S.

I have received emails, calls, cards and visits from around the world – people letting me know they are praying for me and sharing encouraging testimonies of victory over cancer. So, I continue … day by day, looking for your guidance through this journey that “we” have begun. Thank you Lord that you are with me and will never leave me and that you love me.

8 long years ago today - July 1, 2005

Last August, as we were cleaning out old things and I was getting rid of books to make more room in my office, I came across Debbie’s last journal, from 2010 through May 2012. It was so precious me.

When I went to Ohio, my kids were still hauling away boxes of old books to Goodwill that I no longer wanted. When I came back from Ohio, one day I realized I could not locate Debbie’s journal! I tore through all of my boxes and the whole house to no avail. It was the worst moment after her death … I was afraid it had been inadvertanly taken to Goodwill. I felt like I lost her all over again by losing her precious thoughts of the past two years.

My daughter, Jessica, told me that it would turn up when the time was right. Yesterday, as I was looking through my shelves in my office for another book, guess what I found? This journal entry below was her second entry after receiving the diagnosis in June, exactly 8 years ago today! You can only imagine how emotional I felt. 

Tomorrow I will post her entry from June 27, which was her first entry after receiving the diagnosis of cancer. I will eventually get back to 1987 and finish the story of our two years in South America! Thanks ~

J. Holbrook.

............................

July 1, 2005 – cloudy in Princeton, FL.

  Good morning Father! (I read Colossians 2).

  Thank you that the real substance of life is in Jesus and that I don’t have to live by rules and regulations. There is such freedom in you! thank you Lord.  Yesterday, when I was in the MRI tube, Psalm 2 and thought of the song “rescued.”

  Yesterday I had a breast cancer MRI done, only one test to go, that’s the PET scan (7/5/05). Then I will be meeting with the surgeon, Dr. Moffat, to discuss what to do on 7/12/05.  I still feel peaceful –

 
        I see another surgeon today, Dr. Edleman.   Thank you Father for your presence, Go with me today, please. Amen.