Friday, December 6, 2013

Morning meditations

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Debbie … with kind of a weird ‘shock’ I realized that she was gone …. We had talked so much about that eventuality during seven years …. And now the nightmare future is here and I am living in a dim grey world in which she is not present.

Will I ever get over this? Get over her and her absence …. When I woke up last night, I vividly remembered the first time I saw here … I was 17 in study hall, she was 15. For all of my adult life, she was the sweet symbol of womanhood, femininity and sexuality … and grew into my best friend and soul mate ….

We shared our DNA and created four beautiful human beings – and then we shared our gifts and energies and created three churches … that are still around and thriving.

With her gone it is very much like part of me is gone … a very large part of me. It is like my entire adult life and identity is gone …. What is left? Do I really have to start a whole new life at 62? And forge a new identity? Do I even have ‘time” to create a new life before I too will be gone?

I need to go back and reread C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed.” Maybe I am taking too long to get through this … Maybe I just need to “man-up” and move on.


1 comment:

  1. You're not starting over at 62.... you are adding chapters to the magnificent life you have had AND are continuing to have.... I've not lost a spouse to death.... but I have lost my father at 15, my younger brother at 25 (he was 21), and my mother at 30. This is what I know as I sit here crying out of thankfulness. We have a Father who puts people in our path who help us walk after emotionally, gut-wrenching events happen. You and Debbie are forever together, maybe not physically, unfortunately, but still together. I'm praying God's literal comfort for you right now. Grace & Peace, Susie Smallman