I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Debbie …
with kind of a weird ‘shock’ I realized that she was gone …. We had talked so
much about that eventuality during seven years …. And now the nightmare future
is here and I am living in a dim grey world in which she is not present.
Will I ever get over this? Get over her and her absence …. When
I woke up last night, I vividly remembered the first time I saw here … I was 17
in study hall, she was 15. For all of my adult life, she was the sweet symbol of womanhood, femininity and sexuality … and grew into my best
friend and soul mate ….
We shared our DNA and created four beautiful human beings –
and then we shared our gifts and energies and created three churches … that are
still around and thriving.
With her gone it is very much like part of me is gone … a very
large part of me. It is like my entire adult life and identity is gone …. What is
left? Do I really have to start a whole new life at 62? And forge a new
identity? Do I even have ‘time” to create a new life before I too will be gone?
I need to go back and reread C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed.”
Maybe I am taking too long to get through this … Maybe I just need to “man-up”
and move on.
Shit.
You're not starting over at 62.... you are adding chapters to the magnificent life you have had AND are continuing to have.... I've not lost a spouse to death.... but I have lost my father at 15, my younger brother at 25 (he was 21), and my mother at 30. This is what I know as I sit here crying out of thankfulness. We have a Father who puts people in our path who help us walk after emotionally, gut-wrenching events happen. You and Debbie are forever together, maybe not physically, unfortunately, but still together. I'm praying God's literal comfort for you right now. Grace & Peace, Susie Smallman
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