Steve Osborne, NYC Police Sargent, tells a story about his dad and cancer

I heard this story by New York cop Steve Osborne on THE MOTH radio hour on our local NPR affiliate today. His story moved me to tears ...

I have a confession to make, almost 3 years after Debbie's departure, I am not really doing all that well. I battle depression on a daily basis and sometimes acute anxiety. Loneliness stalks me on a weekly basis. The worst is Friday night at 5 pm, whcn I finish work, and there is no one to go home to.  My finances also took a huge hit during 7 years of terminal cancer, and 10 years of graduate school, and I foolishly only had a small life insurance policy on Debbie. I am in a graduate program of learning about God's grace.

A book I read recently on grief compared losing a spouse to an amputation. It never heals, you never get "over it." You can only learn to adapt to the loss -- if you are lucky. If you are not, you give up and look for a quick exit. 

Officer Osborne's story of his dad's crotchety courage in the face of death was deeply moving to me. Everyone has to deal with death, loss and grief at some point.  It is helpful to learn that I am not alone in my pain, that every other human being on the planet has to eventually face the same issues in one way or another. 

I hope you will listen and enjoy Steve's story ...

Listen to Steve Osborne's story here ...

http://themoth.org/posts/storytellers/steve-osborne

That which is not

Today was one of those days. I felt lost, like I could not find my way home. I drove over to the Fruit and Spice park at 2 pm. It is a bright and sunny day, but everything felt dark. I enjoyed meeting some new people and walking around the park. Then I came home and took a nap.

When I awoke, I didn’t want to get up. What is the point? In the past, taking salsa lessons, studying, reading, thinking, writing helped me soften the pain, or at least forget it. I have been working hard, developing course material and teaching classes.

Now however, dancing no longer interests me and I am actually tired of reading books. There is no point to writing and posting online, no one cares and nothing will change.

All things are wearisome;
Man is not able to tell it.
The eye is not satisfied with seeing,
Nor is the ear filled with hearing.
9 That which has been is that which will be,
And that which has been done is that which will be done.
So there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one might say,
“See this, it is new”?
Already it has existed for ages
Which were before us.

Ecclesiastes 1:8-10

Is this what ‘nothingness’ is like?

The Finnish theologian, Tuomo Mannerma, talking about Luther’s theology of Two Loves, says,

“God works in two ways; God leads human beings into hell and then brings them back again. In other words, God turns human beings into “nothing,” making them weak and crazy sinners, but also makes them “be” and exist again, making them holy, strong and wise.  Luther calls the former action the work of God’s left hand, and the latter the work of God’s right hand” ~ Two Kinds of Love, Martin Luther’s religious world, p. 32.

So, I guess this awful place I am in makes me somehow an extraordinary candidate for God’s creative love? I’d like to see exactly how that works.

“God gives life to the dead and calls into being that which does not exist.” (Romans 4:17) but I didn't know it would be this awful getting dead and coming to nothing.

And

 God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, ²⁸ and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, ²⁹ so that no ^[t]man may boast before God. (1 Corinthians 1:27-29)

Well look at me now, there is no boasting going on now, is there? 

Solomon:  I realized that this also is striving after wind.18 Because in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge results in increasing pain.

The Path

2014.01.03

I am picturing my time line like a path this morning. I can see a winding path that leads up to the present moment … but no path representing my future leading away from this moment.

What does that mean? Perhaps I cannot see a future for myself? Perhaps it is hidden from me? But of course, it always has been. Any sense that I could see my future timeline was an illusion.