Where Mourning and Dancing Touch Each Other

~ Henri Nouwen

"[There is] a time for mourning, a time for dancing" (Ecclesiastes 3:4).  But mourning and dancing are never fully separated.  Their "times" do not necessarily follow each other.  In fact, their "times" may become one "time."  Mourning may turn into dancing and dancing into mourning without showing a clear point where one ends and the other starts.

Often our grief allows us to choreograph our dance while our dance creates the space for our grief.  We lose a beloved friend, and in the midst of our tears we discover an unknown joy.  We celebrate a success, and in the midst of the party we feel deep sadness.  Mourning and dancing, grief and laughter, sadness and gladness - they belong together as the sad-faced clown and the happy-faced clown, who make us both cry and laugh.  Let's trust that the beauty of our lives becomes visible where mourning and dancing touch each other."

Mamaw, Are You Going to Die?

(My daughter Sarah recently found some little children's stories that Debbie wrote for our grandchildren on her old laptop. I am posting one of them here ~ Joseph)

~ sometime in 2005 ~

After reading some children’s books about cancer, Aaron (age 6 at the time) asked, “Mamaw

            (short for Grandma), do you have brain cancer?”   “No, Aaron, I don’t have brain cancer.” “That’s good, Mamaw, brain cancer can kill you. Yes, it can, I replied. Where is your cancer? Under my arm, I answered, so he wanted to feel the lumps. And he worried that he would get cancer too. One night when he couldn’t go to sleep, his mommy asked him what was wrong and found him feeling under his arm., but she told him that cancer is not contagious and that he could not catch it from me. He was relieved and able to sleep then.

                                                       

Sierra asked if I would lose my hair and I told her yes, but I could wear hats to keep my head warm and that my hair would grow back when I finish taking chemo. So, when we look at pictures, I am Mamaw with hair or Mamaw without hair.

Sierra and Marcus like to pull my hat off to feel my head and check to see if the hair is growing. Sierra always reassures me that I still look beautiful, even bald.

                          

And Alexander doesn’t ask a lot of questions, he just enjoys coming over to my house for “time with Mamaw”. We usually play soldiers on our blanket mountains and caves and sometimes we just laugh and play together on the bed (even Baby Tristan gets in on the rumpus). Alexander really doesn’t like it when they drop me off for a doctor’s appointment or chemo, but I try to reassure him that I will be fine and that I will come back home.

                                                                                                                               

Recently, Aaron was sad so we talked about it. I asked him if he was afraid I would die and he nodded his head. I told him that we will all die someday and go to live in heaven with Jesus if we love him. I explained that it would be like me walking out the front door…you wouldn’t be able to see me but you would know where I am.

cold and snow flurries - and babysitting

 Dec. 1, 1987 Alexandria, Ohio – cold and snow flurries

Psalm 99.1 “The Lord reigns,let the nations tremble”

Father, I am so glad that you do rule and reign, the world needs someone to stabilize it, and there is so much unrest and turmoil. Every country has tremendous problems and many are talking of end times.

Today the children and I are going to have lunch with Betsy and Judith and then baby sit Judith while Betsy goes to an appointment. I exercised this morning.

Saying goodbye

I never really got to say goodbye to Debbie.

There was so much going on … and she did not want to think negatively and admit to herself that she was dying. She stayed positive and held on to hope until the very last day or two.

When the day finally came that she realized that she was dying, people starting showing up at our house to say goodbye. I kicked into my administrative mode and tried to facilitate our community of family and friends having the opportunity to honor her life, and tell her ‘goodbye’, especially my children. For many of them, she had a loving smile, a hand squeeze, or a word of encouragement or comfort. After about 20 or 30 people filed through her room, thanking her and telling her what she meant to them, I found a quiet moment alone with her. But she was already worn out and beyond the point of having a conversation. I lay down beside her on the bed and tried to put my arm around her but she felt far away from me. I felt the pain of the growing distance between us. And then at some point, without looking at me, she said to me, “Don’t be in a hurry.” That was the last coherent sentence she ever spoke to me.

I wish we could have had a quiet lengthy conversation to talk it over, hold hands and say goodbye properly. I know she would have cried. Goodbyes were always hard for her. But the truth is, we said goodbye to one another many different times and ways over the seven years she battled cancer.

The last time was about two weeks before she died. She knew the cancer was in her liver and that she was declining. While lying in bed together, she rolled over into my arms and wept, saying “I don’t want to die.” It tore my heart out. There was nothing I could say or do but hold her.

The first time was in February of 2005. I had a dream in which she was taken from me by another man who had a prior claim on her, another previous covenant. In the dream she went into a private room with the other man and shut the door, leaving me outside. I was heartbroken. When I told her the dream the next morning (with tears), she quickly interpreted the dream: the man who claimed her was Jesus, the private room was his holy of holies – his presence. She told me I had to release her to Jesus. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do up to that point. Four month later she was diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer.

Rejoice whenever you get to say “hello” to a new friend. Enjoy your friends and family while you have them but don’t hold on to them too tightly. Give them space and room to breathe. And be gracious and grateful when the time comes to say goodbye.  In this life, we will eventually say ‘goodbye’ to every single relationship we have. It is a bittersweet truth that causes us to value our time, and value those around us. For those who have a transcendent view of reality, there is hope for something more, something enduring even though we may not have certainty about the exact form or details.

St. Paul said, “Threethings will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these islove…” (New Living Translation) I’ll bet my money that Love is more powerful and real than death. I choose to live in a universe that has meaning and purpose; a universe where love trumps death. And if that is true, then ‘goodbye’ may become ‘hasta pronto.’

Cold winter and losing weight

  November 30, 1987 Alexandria, Ohio – winter, cold

Psalm 98.1 “Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things; his right arm and his holy arm have worked salvation for him. (2) The Lord has made his righteousness known to the nations”

Well, I am at my parents home in Alexandria, Ohio. It’s a joy to be back with them. Grandpa and Johnny are stuck like glue, inseparable. We had Thanksgiving Day here. John and Lucile, Gene and Judy and her kids came. We had a good time. It’s winter here and cold but not too bad. Saturday after thanksgiving we got together with Jack and Betsy at the Holbrook’s. Judith is a sweety.

We had school this morning. I exercised and read my bible and am now working on office work. I want so much to lose weight before I see Joseph but I have put on some weight over thanksgiving. Father help me!

Prayers for wounded hearts

November 17, 1987 Bogotá, Colombia –

Psalm 97.10 “Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.”

As I prayed for the meeting off and on yesterday and last night I sensed the presence of the Lord in a strong and powerful way and others felt it too. Rosalba said as she served coffee she could sense it too. Jorge Molina led the worship and Manuel preached a powerful message and then we prayed for various people. We prayed that you Lord would heal their wounded hearts, and that you would place your love inside, and that they would know you in a deeper way; that they would know you as a loving father and find your peace. Amen.