2014.01.05 John 14
My first journal entry of 2014. I read John 14 this morning, “Let not your heart be troubled … trust me!”
I talked with Brian E. yesterday. I had told him in an email that I was having some discouraging thoughts … thoughts of checking out or wanting to find an exit from the world. Of course he called me and we talked.
I told Brian that my life lacks meaning and purpose. For almost my entire adult life I had a meaningful person in my life – Debbie. And with her, together we discovered a grand purpose, serving God together! Which later translated more specifically into church planting and missions (and some years pastoring). Together we evangelized and discipled numerous young people. In all three churches, we started with young people. All of the churches (except the house churches at the end) are still healthy and thriving. That was my life with Debbie – a meaningful person and a high purpose
Those two things have been objectively removed from my life. Regardless of my state of mind on a particular day, I live with that double void. I can be in a good mood, going to salsa class … but the void and the sense of meaninglessness is there.
So… I suppose in addition to grief (I think I am passed most of the grief), I am trying to adapt to this massive Teutonic plate shift in my life. I have some goals ….goals for this year, for the next two or three years …. But no sense of overriding purpose. And certainly, I have wonderful friends, but no “meaningful” person to share my life with.
I think my insight this morning as I write this is that in my past life, the person and the purpose were inextricably interconnected. It was something we shared, something we did together. What are the chances of that ever happening again?
Am I condemned to live the rest of my life from day-to-day, just doing whatever needs to be done, with no sense of high purpose? Just drifting from one activity to another? Or worse yet, from one person to another?
Another thing that I realized as I was talking to Brian is that, both the person (Debbie) and the purpose (our calling) were given by God, gifts of grace in this highest possible meaning of the phrase. As I write this, I am filled with a profound sense of happy gratitude. Who was I, an insecure farm kid from Ohio, to be SO graced by God with a wonderful person and a high purpose? It changed my life and the overflow of that grace brought me to this place I am at today, living in Miami with four wonderful children, a multitude of friends in 3 different languages and serving young people with my education.
So maybe I need to surrender the sense of high purpose (as I already have let go of the meaningful person) and just spend the rest of my life thanking God and expressing my gratitude. That would not be a bad future.
“Christ the center” wrote Dietrich Bonhoeffer (I turned and looked up at his book on the shelf—its good to be back with my friends!). If Christ is the center of gravity, then I need to reorient my life in orbit around him. Maybe that will give me the firm place to stand, and not just theoretically.
Bonhoeffer also wrote about “religionless Christianity” … that is what I have been questing for these recent years. Maybe that is my new high purpose – to discover a path through the secular, postmodern wilderness (without going ghetto), and leave markers for young disciples to follow.
I need to stop looking for a new person … even unconsciously. If God does not send her to me (like he did Debbie), I will undoubtedly regret finding her.
The Buddha said that the root of all suffering was craving. I need to let go of my craving.
Well! I am glad I had this talk with myself! I read from page 63 of George MacDonald’s “Knowing the Heart of God” this morning. The subtitle was “Only Those Doing it Know How Hard.” MacDonald wrote “Entering into the Kingdom of God was to Paul, a daily battle with his own self.”
Dear God, I need your grace to give me the desire to press into you, to renew my soul – my strength. I need to know Jesus in a deeper way. Please show me the way. Lord, behold the void in my life … my soul feels empty. I trust you to fill me in your time. I trust you to seek me and find me and show me the way forward. Lord teach me how to live alone, without a meaningful person to share my life in this season, and how to love you and follow you without a high purpose.
As I finished praying, Ortega's Lonely Road came on Pandora. I sometimes wonder if that is a means of Gods communication to me.
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