The worst week of my life

I have been a little blue lately. Part of it is fatigue and part of it is remembering the worst week of my life one year ago. This morning, out of curiosity, I took a look at my gmail calendar from one year ago. It illustrates that life goes on …

I took a look at last year’s calendar.

Mon 28 – Memorial Day

Tue 29 – John F. Kennedy bday

Wed 30 – D5 ann eval

Fri June 1 -  Chaps 7 & 8 due

Sat June 2 – Adams essay rgh draft. Tacee flies back to Ohio

Sun June 3 –

Mon June 4 – Debbie died

Wed June 6 – Mem service

Thurs June 7 – drive to Ohio

Fri June 8 – Chaps 9 & 10

Fri June 15 –  Sum A ends.

Sat June 16 – ruff day, spiral down.

Mon June 18 – Sum B begins. Syllabus and chapter 1.

my calendar illustrates that life goes on .... there ought to be more that I could say about this ... but I cannot frame the words .... don't take life or love for granted ... be in the moment 

Five things I learned while watching my wife die

1)      Life is short.

2)      Life is precious.

3)      Love is real.

4)      Your real friends are those who stick with you in the pain.

5)      Life goes on.

One year ago this week

2013.05.18  -

I have been having a lot of bittersweet flashbacks of Debbie for the last week or so. May 10^th was our last anniversary together …this week, one year ago, is when she began to quickly decline, ending with her death on June 4^th.

A year ago my kids and I were trying to decide if it was time to call hospice. One year ago was a descent into emotional hell. I have known a lot of people who have died, in the last few years a lot of dear friends. But Debbie was so real … she filled the space around her with love and gentleness … goodness. How can all that bundle of goodness just disappear?

There does not seem to be very much in this life that is enduring, unchanging.

Miami Beach - Born to Pioneer

Dec. 12, 1987 Miami Beach, FL – Sunny, warm and beautiful

Psalm 101.2-3 “I will be careful to lead a blameless life—
    when will you come to me?

I will conduct the affairs of my house
    with a blameless heart.
³ I will not look with approval
    on anything that is vile.”

the one whose walk is blameless
    will minister to me.

⁷ No one who practices deceit
    will dwell in my house;
no one who speaks falsely
    will stand in my presence.

♪ Oh Lord, our Lord, how majestic is Your name in allthe earth, Hallelujah! ♪

Lord, I am moved at your creation, I am awed at its beauty and strength. Truly you are a great God and all powerful to have created it all.

As I write I am sitting on the balcony of the our tenth floor hotel room overlooking Miami Beach and the Atlantic Ocean. Joseph and I are having a wonderful reunion after three weeks of separation. I flew down yesterday to meet him alone. Last night Joseph and I took a walk on the beach, there aren’t many people around and it is so peaceful and relaxing.

The waves on the beach are unending with a magnetic attraction that makes me keep watching them. There are sailboats and seagulls everywhere, it would even be tempting to want to live near the ocean.

I just read an article about church planting and the discouragement and struggles that come with it. Surely we have encountered the discouragement and weariness and the constant battle to forgive and go on in the midst of criticism, but I never could be a settler, I think I was born to be a pioneer.

I’m glad you know the future Lord, and that all we need to do is to keep our eyes on you and you will lead us. Thank you for your faithfulness and love!

happy Mother's Day

Today is my first Mother’s Day without Debbie. Friday was my 39th anniversary. One year ago this weekend, Debbie went out with me for our anniversary to a French restaurant in Coconut Grove. On Mother’s Day 2012, my kids put in a butterfly garden for her. Three weeks later she was gone.

Debbie was an awesome mother and grandmother! We reminisced today how she was always present at every event related to our children and grandchildren. 

I invited my kids over today to help them process her absence. I do not know yet what is would be like to celebrate a Mother’s or Father’s day without my parents. Thank God that experience is still ahead of me.

This has been the weirdest year of my life. After the cancer roller coaster ride of the last seven years, I suddenly found myself alone in a deeper way that I can remember in my adult life. Confused, disoriented,  questioning myself and my identity, at times even angry. Thank God for my friends!  Like Ringo Star, I got by -- ♪ with a little help from my friends ♪

Now, after six or seven years of grief, and almost one year of her absence, I am starting my life over again. I cannot go back, I can only go forward into the unknown tomorrow. I know I will not be the same person tomorrow that I was yesterday. That thought is a little scary for me.

I can only trust that the One who loves us, the One who brought me and Debbie together in the first place, also holds tomorrow in His hands. He is good, and he is not finished with me yet.

“one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead I press on …”

Take me away ♪

reminiscing this morning .... there is still a big empty place in our  hearts ....