♪ Fightings and fears, within and without ....

This song represents how I feel this morning, especially the "fightings and fears, within and without" part ...

♪     Just as I am, though tossed about 
 with many a conflict, many a doubt, 
 fightings and fears within, without, 
 O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Morning meditations

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Debbie … with kind of a weird ‘shock’ I realized that she was gone …. We had talked so much about that eventuality during seven years …. And now the nightmare future is here and I am living in a dim grey world in which she is not present.

Will I ever get over this? Get over her and her absence …. When I woke up last night, I vividly remembered the first time I saw here … I was 17 in study hall, she was 15. For all of my adult life, she was the sweet symbol of womanhood, femininity and sexuality … and grew into my best friend and soul mate ….

We shared our DNA and created four beautiful human beings – and then we shared our gifts and energies and created three churches … that are still around and thriving.

With her gone it is very much like part of me is gone … a very large part of me. It is like my entire adult life and identity is gone …. What is left? Do I really have to start a whole new life at 62? And forge a new identity? Do I even have ‘time” to create a new life before I too will be gone?

I need to go back and reread C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed.” Maybe I am taking too long to get through this … Maybe I just need to “man-up” and move on.

Shit.

Thanksgiving 2007

     Thank you Lord, for the many blessings you have given me. I don’t deserve such goodness Lord. I feel poor and wretched in so many ways. I do not feel like I have what it takes to do things for you. I don’t feel smart enough to discuss important issues without making a fool of myself but Lord I trust you. That has to count for something. You make flowers just to be beautiful for a few days and butterflies so why not let “Little Debbie” bring you joy. At least, I hope I do. I love you.

            One of Joseph’s Professors (Muslim) sent an email to Joseph, encouraging me and letting him know that he has been praying for me. He also sent me a poem written by a Sufi mystic, it was so beautiful I cried. Today has been a wonderful day, I fixed a salad to take to Brain & Rosa for the Community meal. There were around 50 people there. It was a good time. I sat and various people came around to chat.

            Then we came home, and sat around talking for a bit with Joseph and John. Jessy and the kids came by later for a visit.

  Tonight we went to Jose and Olga’s for the Morgado gathering and had a wonderful conversation with Carlos, Angelica, and Sarah about Cuba circa 1958-67. It was like getting a first hand interview. Thank you Lord, for this bridge of trust you have allowed us to build even as we are bumbling along. Lord, I pray that these dear people would come to know you and your great love. 

Deb's journal Nov. 25 2008 and Psalm 107

From Debbie's Journal, Nov. 25, 2008.

I am glad to be alive, thank you, but I find myself so weary. I have been helping care for Jessy and the boys and even though I love them dearly- I feel that I am getting more and more tired. Lord, please sustain me, please lift me back up. I can tell Joseph is worried about me. Please, I ask for your grace for him too. He’s been so good during this whole ordeal, please help me to keep my eyes on you instead of circumstances.

            Dr. Wang aid that the Tumor markers have dropped from 50-39 again and the chest x-ray is normal—Good News! I don’t know how people endure suffering for years and years…one day at a time I guess. Help me to do the same Lord. Please I need your strength. 

PSALM 107 (The Message)
1-3 Oh, thank God—he’s so good!
His love never runs out.
All of you set free by God, tell the world!
Tell how he freed you from oppression,
Then rounded you up from all over the place,
from the four winds, from the seven seas.
.....

42-43 Good people see this and are glad;
bad people are speechless, stopped in their tracks.
If you are really wise, you’ll think this over—
it’s time you appreciated God’s deep love.

I'll be waiting for you ...

I was notified yesterday that I had been nominated for a prestigious university award called the “Worlds Ahead” award. The assistant dean in the College of Arts and Sciences who read my dissertation was touched by the story of Debbie’s illness and death, and my perseverance through it. She nominated me for the award and I will receive special recognition at the commencement ceremony from University President Rosenberg. I received this email from the history department this morning:

………………………………….

Dear All,

Joseph Holbrook, who will receive his PhD in December, was named a "Worlds Ahead" graduating student, and he will be specially honored by President Rosenberg at Fall commencement.

This is our second PhD in a row to be recognized as "Worlds Ahead" -- keep up the good work doctoral students (and faculty!) 

And congratulations, Joseph!

………………………………….

I went to forward this email to my kids and my brother. I could not find my brother’s email address with his first name, so I entered in “Holbrook” and guess who’s name came up? Debbie Holbrook. For a moment … I wanted so badly to forward the email to her …

Debbie wrote this to me in her journal in June 8, 2010:

“If I don’t get to see you graduate please ask the kids to go for me. What an accomplishment. You did it! Either way I will be rejoicing with you (here or there). I will say “That’s my Joseph!” He did it!” and I will watch to see the doors the Lord opens for you. I believe there are exciting years ahead. I hope to share them with you, but if I can’t please choose LIFE! And enjoy it. I love you more than life itself and I will be waiting for you when that time comes.

Your loving admirer, Deb.”

Ripples on the pond

From Debbie's Journal, December 8, 2007

Although not as intense as the days immediately following the Neulasta Shot, the low grade pain and nausea still are bothersome. The biggest problem today is extreme weakness and shortness of breath. We considered going to the emergency room but I choose to rest rather than spend the whole weekend in the hospital. Sarah and Jessy came over to check on me and we made the decision to stay home unless I passed out, which I didn’t. Although it hurt my stomach I kept some soup and pudding down.  This morning I went to my book club meeting at Ellen’s and Joseph wanted to go see Sam Lopez. When I got home I was having trouble breathing. So I rested and Joseph went to Crandon Beach to hang out with LACC grad students he has gone thru classes with. He said it was a lovely day, sunset and they all had a good time. I truly am glad for him. I know he needs a break occasionally.

While he was away, Sarah, Jessy and the kids came to make gingerbread houses and listen to Christmas music. We had the lights on and I sat in the recliner, watching Marcus and interacting with all. Carlos joined us for a while and Denny and Luke came by to say hello. Thank you father, for a really nice day, we watched “ Home Alone” with Billy Long and laughed a while then Joseph and I watched Dr. House. It was a good show.

Then Joseph said something about there  being no more vacations if I died, to which I said, “oh, yes there will be. You’ll still have children and grandchildren who will want to go camping and take vacations.” 

Later, when we talked about the reality of the brevity of life, what I said hit me; “The truth is (w/tears) when I am gone and you have grieved the time will come for you to go on with your life.” I watched my mom go through the process of losing dad (the love of her life), I watched her grieve a long time, but finally the day came that she packed up the rest of his stuff, took off her wedding ring and told him goodbye, that she had to go on with her life.

And that is how it is for all of us. Our lives are but a stone thrown in a pond, there are ripples and then the pond becomes still again. It seems sad to me, but that’s how it is. It seems like there should be more because our lives are so full while we are living.

One of the things that came clear for me in our book club meeting is that I have are two main priorities in my life, God and Family—then perhaps after that would come order and creativity. Jane suggested writing a memoir to my grandchildren, that it would be a combination of all of my priorities. Father, help me do this please. 

Faith and walking on water

(Nov. 3, 2008) Good morning Father,

            Thank you for another cool wonderful day. You know how much I enjoy them. During then last 3 years, I've constantly thought on what it means you walk in and by faith. This morning it seems as if walking by faith is simply walking thru this life—no matter what comes my way. Knowing that he is there and will reach out to catch me if I begin to fall –just as he did with Peter when Christ called him and Peter stepped out of the boat and began to walk toward him. He was WALKING ON WATER! Until his faith faltered and then he began to sink – but Jesus reached out and caught him. So either way I am “safe” aren't I? My faith just seems to determine what kind of “mighty works” I do with my life.

            Lord I've never been very adventurous but I have tried to follow you. What would you call me out of the boat? (The boat being –the things I know and find comfort in).

            Heb 5  I didn’t choose this- He called me to it.