....one year ago today.

Debbie died one year ago today.

I had been doing very well in March and April. Starting around May 10, our 39^th anniversary, I have been dealing with the blues. This past week I have been having flash backs to the “week from hell” when she would fall out of bed in the middle of the night trying to go to the bathroom. I literally had to carry her to the bathroom every night and give her injections of morphine several times a day.

It was also a week from heaven. God gave extra grace. It is an awesome thing to be privileged to serve someone as they are dying. We saw hints that she was interacting with the world beyond. There were moments of laughter, like when Debbie became frustrated with too many people trying to help her and locked herself in the bedroom – until I came home and called to her.

She loved butterflies. She did a science project on butterflies during her bachelor’s degree. For mother’s day before her death, my daughters and their husbands installed butterfly gardens in our backyard with a fountain. She loved it. At the burial service in Ohio, we released live butterflies to symbolize the transformation from one world to the next. One of my favorite photos is of my daughter beaming a joyful smile in front of the casket while a butterfly flutters in her hand. Now, whenever I sit in my yard with my arm around one of my daughters, there is always butterfly nearby, seemingly checking on us!

My entire adult life came to a sudden and jarring stop one year ago today. Some widowers go about life as usual after, pouring themselves into their work or their mission.  Others lose the will to live and follow their spouse into the grave. I have not known who I am, or where I am going for the last 12 months, but I am about ready to find out. It’s time for me to start a whole new life; a little scary at my age (terrifying actually). The same one who called me into a life with Debbie knows the next step for me. He is with me, and he will define who I am and where I will go. And for sure, it will not be the same as it was. I will continue to be a pioneer.

Goodbye Debbie, I will always love you!

[Chorus]
Pioneer, Pioneer

Keep pressing onwards beyond your fears
And only your Father goes before you to your own frontier
Youʼre a Pioneer

[Verse 1]
Uncharted wilderness stretches before you
And you thrive on going where no one has gone
Still it gets lonely when darkness deepens
So sing by the fire until the dawn

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
You travel light and you travel alone
And when you arrive nobody knows
But your Father in heaven, He is glad you can go
Cause those who come after you will need the road

[Chorus]

[Verse 3]
And what you have done, others will do
Bigger and better and faster than you
But you canʼt look back, you gotta keep on pressing through
Thereʼs a wilderness pathway and itʼs calling you

[Last chorus]
Calling you, calling you clear
Keep pressing onwards, you can't stay here...
And only your Father goes before you to your own frontier
Youʼre a Pioneer