♪ Fightings and fears, within and without ....

This song represents how I feel this morning, especially the "fightings and fears, within and without" part ...

♪     Just as I am, though tossed about 
 with many a conflict, many a doubt, 
 fightings and fears within, without, 
 O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Morning meditations

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about Debbie … with kind of a weird ‘shock’ I realized that she was gone …. We had talked so much about that eventuality during seven years …. And now the nightmare future is here and I am living in a dim grey world in which she is not present.

Will I ever get over this? Get over her and her absence …. When I woke up last night, I vividly remembered the first time I saw here … I was 17 in study hall, she was 15. For all of my adult life, she was the sweet symbol of womanhood, femininity and sexuality … and grew into my best friend and soul mate ….

We shared our DNA and created four beautiful human beings – and then we shared our gifts and energies and created three churches … that are still around and thriving.

With her gone it is very much like part of me is gone … a very large part of me. It is like my entire adult life and identity is gone …. What is left? Do I really have to start a whole new life at 62? And forge a new identity? Do I even have ‘time” to create a new life before I too will be gone?

I need to go back and reread C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed.” Maybe I am taking too long to get through this … Maybe I just need to “man-up” and move on.

Shit.

Thanksgiving 2007

     Thank you Lord, for the many blessings you have given me. I don’t deserve such goodness Lord. I feel poor and wretched in so many ways. I do not feel like I have what it takes to do things for you. I don’t feel smart enough to discuss important issues without making a fool of myself but Lord I trust you. That has to count for something. You make flowers just to be beautiful for a few days and butterflies so why not let “Little Debbie” bring you joy. At least, I hope I do. I love you.

            One of Joseph’s Professors (Muslim) sent an email to Joseph, encouraging me and letting him know that he has been praying for me. He also sent me a poem written by a Sufi mystic, it was so beautiful I cried. Today has been a wonderful day, I fixed a salad to take to Brain & Rosa for the Community meal. There were around 50 people there. It was a good time. I sat and various people came around to chat.

            Then we came home, and sat around talking for a bit with Joseph and John. Jessy and the kids came by later for a visit.

  Tonight we went to Jose and Olga’s for the Morgado gathering and had a wonderful conversation with Carlos, Angelica, and Sarah about Cuba circa 1958-67. It was like getting a first hand interview. Thank you Lord, for this bridge of trust you have allowed us to build even as we are bumbling along. Lord, I pray that these dear people would come to know you and your great love. 

Deb's journal Nov. 25 2008 and Psalm 107

From Debbie's Journal, Nov. 25, 2008.

I am glad to be alive, thank you, but I find myself so weary. I have been helping care for Jessy and the boys and even though I love them dearly- I feel that I am getting more and more tired. Lord, please sustain me, please lift me back up. I can tell Joseph is worried about me. Please, I ask for your grace for him too. He’s been so good during this whole ordeal, please help me to keep my eyes on you instead of circumstances.

            Dr. Wang aid that the Tumor markers have dropped from 50-39 again and the chest x-ray is normal—Good News! I don’t know how people endure suffering for years and years…one day at a time I guess. Help me to do the same Lord. Please I need your strength. 

PSALM 107 (The Message)
1-3 Oh, thank God—he’s so good!
His love never runs out.
All of you set free by God, tell the world!
Tell how he freed you from oppression,
Then rounded you up from all over the place,
from the four winds, from the seven seas.
.....

42-43 Good people see this and are glad;
bad people are speechless, stopped in their tracks.
If you are really wise, you’ll think this over—
it’s time you appreciated God’s deep love.

I'll be waiting for you ...

I was notified yesterday that I had been nominated for a prestigious university award called the “Worlds Ahead” award. The assistant dean in the College of Arts and Sciences who read my dissertation was touched by the story of Debbie’s illness and death, and my perseverance through it. She nominated me for the award and I will receive special recognition at the commencement ceremony from University President Rosenberg. I received this email from the history department this morning:

………………………………….

Dear All,

Joseph Holbrook, who will receive his PhD in December, was named a "Worlds Ahead" graduating student, and he will be specially honored by President Rosenberg at Fall commencement.

This is our second PhD in a row to be recognized as "Worlds Ahead" -- keep up the good work doctoral students (and faculty!) 

And congratulations, Joseph!

………………………………….

I went to forward this email to my kids and my brother. I could not find my brother’s email address with his first name, so I entered in “Holbrook” and guess who’s name came up? Debbie Holbrook. For a moment … I wanted so badly to forward the email to her …

Debbie wrote this to me in her journal in June 8, 2010:

“If I don’t get to see you graduate please ask the kids to go for me. What an accomplishment. You did it! Either way I will be rejoicing with you (here or there). I will say “That’s my Joseph!” He did it!” and I will watch to see the doors the Lord opens for you. I believe there are exciting years ahead. I hope to share them with you, but if I can’t please choose LIFE! And enjoy it. I love you more than life itself and I will be waiting for you when that time comes.

Your loving admirer, Deb.”

Ripples on the pond

From Debbie's Journal, December 8, 2007

Although not as intense as the days immediately following the Neulasta Shot, the low grade pain and nausea still are bothersome. The biggest problem today is extreme weakness and shortness of breath. We considered going to the emergency room but I choose to rest rather than spend the whole weekend in the hospital. Sarah and Jessy came over to check on me and we made the decision to stay home unless I passed out, which I didn’t. Although it hurt my stomach I kept some soup and pudding down.  This morning I went to my book club meeting at Ellen’s and Joseph wanted to go see Sam Lopez. When I got home I was having trouble breathing. So I rested and Joseph went to Crandon Beach to hang out with LACC grad students he has gone thru classes with. He said it was a lovely day, sunset and they all had a good time. I truly am glad for him. I know he needs a break occasionally.

While he was away, Sarah, Jessy and the kids came to make gingerbread houses and listen to Christmas music. We had the lights on and I sat in the recliner, watching Marcus and interacting with all. Carlos joined us for a while and Denny and Luke came by to say hello. Thank you father, for a really nice day, we watched “ Home Alone” with Billy Long and laughed a while then Joseph and I watched Dr. House. It was a good show.

Then Joseph said something about there  being no more vacations if I died, to which I said, “oh, yes there will be. You’ll still have children and grandchildren who will want to go camping and take vacations.” 

Later, when we talked about the reality of the brevity of life, what I said hit me; “The truth is (w/tears) when I am gone and you have grieved the time will come for you to go on with your life.” I watched my mom go through the process of losing dad (the love of her life), I watched her grieve a long time, but finally the day came that she packed up the rest of his stuff, took off her wedding ring and told him goodbye, that she had to go on with her life.

And that is how it is for all of us. Our lives are but a stone thrown in a pond, there are ripples and then the pond becomes still again. It seems sad to me, but that’s how it is. It seems like there should be more because our lives are so full while we are living.

One of the things that came clear for me in our book club meeting is that I have are two main priorities in my life, God and Family—then perhaps after that would come order and creativity. Jane suggested writing a memoir to my grandchildren, that it would be a combination of all of my priorities. Father, help me do this please. 

Faith and walking on water

(Nov. 3, 2008) Good morning Father,

            Thank you for another cool wonderful day. You know how much I enjoy them. During then last 3 years, I've constantly thought on what it means you walk in and by faith. This morning it seems as if walking by faith is simply walking thru this life—no matter what comes my way. Knowing that he is there and will reach out to catch me if I begin to fall –just as he did with Peter when Christ called him and Peter stepped out of the boat and began to walk toward him. He was WALKING ON WATER! Until his faith faltered and then he began to sink – but Jesus reached out and caught him. So either way I am “safe” aren't I? My faith just seems to determine what kind of “mighty works” I do with my life.

            Lord I've never been very adventurous but I have tried to follow you. What would you call me out of the boat? (The boat being –the things I know and find comfort in).

            Heb 5  I didn’t choose this- He called me to it. 

sunrise with Fernando Ortega

           (Debbie's journal, 10.30.2009)   Sunrise, there’s a rooster crowing. I am listening to Fernando Ortega and lifting my thoughts to you.  Basking in your goodness and mercy hoping that it would follow me all the days of my life. How I long to dwell in the House of the Lord… all the days of my life. I just realized that it is talking about now and not heaven. 

Fernando Ortega - A PLACE ON EARTH
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The Sad Case of Calico the Cat: A Modern Parable

I am going to share this true story as a parable. Or perhaps a metaphor …or an analogy, lol I am not sure which. Most parables are not actually true stories, so I suppose this is more like an analogy. You can read it and tell me which one you think it is.

I found a feral kitten on the highway yesterday. I watched it run half way across the road and almost get run over. It was terrified and hunkering down, trying to hide from the cars.

I felt sorry for it and so pulled my car over and went after it. It hissed and spitted, but I picked it up quickly and luckily did not get bitten or scratched. I looked into its face and it did not look like other cats I am familiar with … it seemed far away and alien. Its eyes were terrified and I almost could see a look of hatred in the eyes … I assume that was just related to the fear of the unknown; and I was the unknown.

I pressed it up close to my chest (near my  heart) and kept it in a firm grip in the hopes that it would not get loose and scratch me. Holding it like that seemed to calm it down. Perhaps it could hear my heart beat.

I brought it home, and because I had no where else, I put it in my room (my trailer) and left it there with some milk. Later, I checked in on it, and it didn't appear that it had touched the milk so I brought it some top quality wet cat food (my other cat, the gato borica is VERY picky!). It hissed and spat every time I tried to get near it. I wanted to pet it, to comfort it but I could not. Its fear would not let me. So after talking soothingly to it, I left it alone.

When I tried to go to bed that night, it was obvious that it had been exploring around my trailer. At one point it even looked at me from a distance and meowed softly like it was asking me for help. But again, when I tried to get close, it hissed and ran under the couch. When I reached my hand down to touch it, it spat at me (I actually nearly wet my pants!).

I finally went to bed, and was almost asleep when it began to cry. It was a high pitched mewing sound but rather than inquisitive, it sound like a 911 distress call. I decided it must be calling for its mother. I laid there, missing Debbie, while Calico was missing her mother. I thought to myself “we have so much in common, we both feel lost without the comforting presence of the one we love.” I tried several times to comfort it but immediately it went back into the hissing and spitting routine. I realized I was not going to get any sleep. I thought to myself, “I would love to pick you up and hold you close to my heart and whisper soothingly to you while comforting you but you will not let me. We could comfort one another.”

I got up to go sleep in the house on my couch … but as I went out the trailer door, I hesitated. After thinking a moment, I left the door slightly ajar. Calico felt trapped by me. I wanted to give her the choice; to stay with me and learn to trust me, or to on what was likely a doomed mission to find her mother.

I had trouble sleeping in the house. At one point I woke up thinking I was hearing Calico’s distress call, but it was only our other Puerto Rican cat scratching on the door. In the morning I went out to the trailer to fix my coffee, and the door was still slightly ajar, exactly as I had left it. For a moment I thought that Calico had decided to take a chance on trust and stay with me but no. She was gone.

I poured some milk in a bowl and left it outside the trailer, thinking if she got into trouble, maybe she would come back.

Does this story remind you of anyone?

Why do we humans have the “gift” of free will? Is it a blessings? or is it really a curse?

I feel sad about Calico. I think we could have been friends.

I came across this journal entry today as I was scanning in most Debbie's journal for Fall 2007. For some reason, it was very comforting to me to think that Debbie was at peace allowing God to choose the day and time of her departure.

Debbie's Journey: The Spring of 2007

In the Spring of 2007, Debbie's cancer went into remission and she was able to travel with me and experienced several months of pain free happiness. We went to Gatlinberg TN, to the family farm in Ohio and spent five weeks in Brazil over the summer.

To go to the document, click here.

Spring of 2007 Deb's Journey by josenmiami

Healing emotional trauma - pages 20 to 24 of my book on Debbie's Journey

I wrote 1200 words this morning on my book about Debbie's battle with cancer and her quest to bring our family to wholeness and unity. I have over 60 pages written so far (the virtue of being on "lock-down" in Ohio)

(if you have trouble viewing the document below, click here)

Mindbody Connection and Healing for Trauma by josenmiami

Time away

Debbie and I rarely had a week or two to get away on vacation. Extended times like that were usually spent visiting friends and family in Ohio or elsewhere. So ... we often did 2 or 3 day weekend get-aways. We did once such retreat to Miami Beach in August of 2005, shortly after I returned from 5 weeks in Brazil. Deb was on pain meds but was grateful for the time. This was a short time before we knew that the cancer was stage 4 and inoperable.

August 2, 2006 - thank you

Thank for you yet another day Lord! I am so grateful for the many ways you have blessed me....

Praying Psalm 23 ...

Debbie's prayer and Psalm 23

Spiritual Dryness

From Henri Nouwen
Sometimes we experience a terrible dryness in our spiritual life.  We feel no desire to pray, don't experience God's presence, get bored with worship services, and even think that everything we ever believed about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is little more than a childhood fairy tale.   

Then it is important to realise that most of these feelings and thoughts are just feelings and thoughts, and that the Spirit of God dwells beyond our feelings and thoughts.  It is a great grace to be able to experience God's presence in our feelings and thoughts, but when we don't, it does not mean that God is absent.  It often means that God is calling us to a greater faithfulness.  It is precisely in times of spiritual dryness that we must hold on to our spiritual discipline so that we can grow into new intimacy with God.

Letting go and pressing on ...

2013.24.07

I have been in Ohio for several days and have visited Debbie’s grave. Staying here with my parents, without Debbie or my kids has been weird. It takes me back to my early twenties before I had a life, or a wife or a family.  I have not been doing the usual things that energize me or help numb the pain. I think this is good, sooner or later I have to face the pain and get through it. Can’t go around it.

It feels like my life is over, and in a real sense I think it is. Now, I have the opportunity before me to start a new life, IF I can somehow let go of the old one. Makes me think of St. Paul’s words in Philippians:

but one thingI do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 

It is hard for me to “forget what lies behind” precisely because what lies behind is SO good! And because it feels like disloyalty to one I loved. However, I think I need to make a decision to let go, and press on.

Deb wrote this verse in her journal in July 2005:

the thin thread of conversation

The quote below is from Peter Berger's Sacred Canopy" written in 1967. I find it profoundly describes one of the more disturbing aspects of my present distressing liminal condition.

p. 17 – "The world is maintained as subjective reality by the same sort of conversation, be it with the same or with new significant others (such as spouses, friends, or other associates). If such conversation is disrupted (the spouse dies, the friends disappear, or one comes to leave one’s original social milieu), the world begins to totter, to lose its subjective plausibility. In other words, the subjective reality of the world hangs on the thin thread of conversation."

~ Peter Berger, "The Sacred Canopy" 1967.

July 20 2013. Grief

I just arrived on my parents farm and I am forced to deal with a whole other layer of grief. Everywhere I look around me I have dozens of memories of Debbie. I talked with some people who have lost loved ones years ago -- in my friend Steve Humble's case, 17 years ago he lost his son. Apparently, the pain never goes away entirely.

Lord, help me face this and embrace the pain. It is good that it hurts ... that means it was real love. What kind of "love" would it be if it didn't hurt?

I walked up the hill to Debbie's grave this morning ... I am not very good company right now.

Happy Birthday Debbie!!

Debbie's birthday 2005

My musings on the summer of 2005

I started this blog to honor Debbie's memory and to help me process her departure as I read through her journal. One other reason, was to help me organize my thoughts and notes in order to write a book about her courageous struggle of cancer and her "journey of ascent" back home to God.

Today, I started writing some rough notes on some my thoughts. I will begin posting them periodically until I am ready to publish them into a book form.

I wrote the following this morning:

My musings on the summer of 2005. Brazil and cancer.

As I read through Debbie’s journal in the summer of 2005, I am struck by several things. One was her constant joyful intimacy with the heavenly Father. There is rarely a journal entry in which she did not wish him a “good morning”, almost always with an exclamation point. She had a deep and constant relationship with God that was intimate, trusting and real.

The second thing that strikes me is that her journal is mostly prayer. She noted the weather occasionally, she noted down a scripture for the day, but as she processed through her cancer and her emotional struggles, she constantly broke into all kinds of prayer and conversation with God. Petitions. crying out for help, but most often prayers of thanksgiving. She literately “prayed without ceasing.” She especially prayed for me, our children and our grandchildren. In the midst of dealing with the stress and fear of cancer, she found time to lift up a prayer for Alexander, who was only a baby at the time, for his future spouse!

I was in Brazil during most of July and early August and we kept in touch through MSN messenger (I spent a fortune in Internet shops). It was a definitive summer for both of us; I came to a clearer understanding of my call to influence secular young people, especially graduate students and she was coming to grips with a cancer diagnosis. We had not yet been told that the cancer was inoperable or stage 4, so there were many unknowns and we had much hope for an eventual cure. I felt a little guilty being in Brazil, having a blast with a bunch of young people while she was home dealing with doctors appointments and the fear of cancer. Nevertheless, we had both agreed upon this and it was part of our journey.

One of the sub-themes for me during this trip was to develop confidence in God’s grace working in me to give me strength to overcome sexual temptation. Rio de Janeiro has a reputation of being one of the most sensual and sexual cities in the world (What happens in Rio stays in Rio). I was a little scared of the dangers of my own weakness, but we had both sensed that God was directing me into this opportunity. I had arranged for a couple of my close friends to call me on a weekly basis to ask me how I was doing with temptation. Neither one of them ever called. Nevertheless, I found abundant grace available to me as I spent lots of unstructured time in the company of a bunch of young people, including some very beautiful young women. I kept thinking back to the movie, The Mission and theme song of Gabriel’s Oboe. I visualized myself as a young Father Gabriel living in the sensual Rio de Janeiro jungle, and the melody that was playing on my oboe was my love for Debbie and our thirty years (in 2005) of faithful commitment to one another. And the natives were drawn to my music!

It was during this trip that I met xxxxx xxxxx  a mid-30s PhD student in Brazilian history from an Ivey League school in the Northeast. She was deeply impressed about my love story with Debbie and the fact that we were dealing with a cancer diagnosis while I was in Brazil for language study. As we were at breakfast overlooking the breath taking view of Copacabana Beach with a group of students, she pointedly asked me what was the secret of our successful marriage. And that conversation led us into a fruitful friendship centered around Christ for these past eight years. I would go back to Brazil for another 5 weeks in 2007 and this time take Debbie with me (she was temporarily in remission). And guess who we ran into? My friend the PhD student 'just happened' to be back in Brazil doing research. This time, it would be Debbie who would make a profound impact on her life.

Prayer for John on July 25, 2005

I sat out on the back patio last night and had the most wonderful conversation with my son, my youngest. We went to deep place and touched level 5 fellowship -- a little bit of eternity. Thank you God, what a privilege for me who did not deserve any children at all! 

here is Debbie's prayer from her journal on July 25, 2005:

And her prayer continues on the next page ...

Notice that the "answer" part has stayed blank since 2005, which was 8 years ago. But after our conversation last night, ,I think that I may be able to go back in and pencil in an answer to her prayer soon!

letting go ....

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us  ~ Joseph Campbell

Putting out the lamp

Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come ~ Rabindranath Tagore

"Lord, bring glory to yourself thru me & my life" July 12, 2005

Deb wrote the following over two days, July 11-12 in 2005. It captures the dilemma of walking by faith. We are to claim blessings and protection from God in faith, but we are also to embrace suffering with joy and gratitude. The part about her journal entry that impresses me the most, is the sentence "Lord, bring glory to yourself thru me and my life." Perhaps God get more glory by her life AND her death ... her prayers recorded in her journal.

Henri Nouwen - Tending Our Own Wounds First

Our own experience with loneliness, depression, and fear can become a gift

for others, especially when we have received good care.  As long as our wounds are open and bleeding, we scare others away.   But after someone has carefully tended to our wounds, they no longer frighten us or others.

When we experience the healing presence of another person, we can discover our own gifts of healing.   Then our wounds allow us to enter into a deep solidarity with our wounded brothers and sisters. ~Henri Nouwen

Jeremiah 29:11 and prayer for Joseph

Shortly after Debbie’s diagnosis and just before I went to Brazil, someone shared Jeremiah 29:11 with me. Then 2 or 3 other people shared it with us independently. Debbie and I found comfort in it. When I arrived in Brazil, I visited as many Catholic and Protestant churches as I could as part of my research. In EVERY single service (11 or 12), Jeremiah 29:11 was read out loud (in Portuguese of course) or referred to. Coincidence?  I think not.

Over the seven years we often took comfort and found courage in the words from Jeremiah. However, it occurred to me on more than one occasion that maybe the promise was not for both of us, but rather for me. I kept that secret doubt to myself. For Debbie, there was ultimately a different and much better promise: “whereI am, you will be also.”

Dealing with long-term, chronic illness can have severe and devastating effects on individuals and families. Often there is divorce, or families or friendships are ruptured. Debbie knew this and sensed the potential negative effects that her illness and death might have on me, and in this passage, she prayed for me. I am still leaning on these prayers!

July 7, 2005 Happy Birthday to Sarah

Hey Sarah! Happy birthday from me and mom!

and from Paul McCartney!

Good morning Father! prayer for friends - Col 4

Debbie's prayer on July 6 2005, a few weeks after her initial diagnosis. I was in Brazil at the time.

Pride, from Deb's journal, July 3, 2005.

I was reading this, this morning.

December 31, 2005 prayer

I hope these prayers (from 2005) are still working! From Deb's journal ...

July 3, 2005 - choosing a surgeon and prayer

July 3, 2005. Blue skies – Homestead/Princeton, FL

     Lord thank you for being my real life and that I am “hidden” in you (Colossians 3). And please help me to live this new life that you’ve given me so that others might know you. Help me to lay aside my fears.

     I met with Dr. Edelman Friday. He seems very nice, caring and knowledgeable. Jessy went with me. He said that I am most likely going to have the left breast and lymph nodes removed. The PET will be the final conclusive test (7-5-05). So, I must decide who I want to be my surgeon and at what facility. Father, please help me with this decision. I know you are with me no matter what I choose, so I guess I should choose what is the easier for my family. I just realized this may be ongoing so Baptist will be closer for treatments, etc. Father, guide me because I cannot see the road ahead but I know you can and I know you love me. Thank you for all these things, Amen.

June 27 2005, Cancer diagnosis ....

June 27 2005, Miami/Homestead, FL (Cloudy)

Good morning Father!

It has been a week since we received a diagnosis of cancer. We are still doing tests to determine the origin. I am  battling a lot of pain. Philippians I (end of the chapter) says “There’s far more to this life than trusting in Christ, there’s also suffering for him. And the Suffering is as much a gift as the trusting.”

Father, I embrace you and your will and I realize as I do that I am also embracing the cross and suffering. The Bible mentions suffering as a gift in Colossians as well. It is not easy, but I pray that your will would be accomplished and that you would bring glory to your name. Father, I don’t want this to sound religious or pious – I simply want you to do your will and ask you to help me as I go through it.

This journal is the beginning of a journey that the Lord is taking me on. I’m sure it began before, but I wll being with Sunday, June 12 in our Miami Team mtg. the Lord (I believe) spoke to me and said “Debbie, I am going to lay you low for a time” Joseph at first didn't believe it, but after we got the diagnosis on Friday (6/17), he asked e what kind of look Jesus had on his face when he said it … I said one of love and compassion, sadness that I would have to pass through this time. So, now I am trying to find my way through this maze called “cancer” Joseph is in Brazil for 6 weeks of language study and research for this thesis. We both felt peace about him continuing with his plans. I told him the testing could take a while anyway. So he is there and we IM (Instant messenger) a couple times a day. He said there are about 30 students from all over the U.S.

I have received emails, calls, cards and visits from around the world – people letting me know they are praying for me and sharing encouraging testimonies of victory over cancer. So, I continue … day by day, looking for your guidance through this journey that “we” have begun. Thank you Lord that you are with me and will never leave me and that you love me.

8 long years ago today - July 1, 2005

Last August, as we were cleaning out old things and I was getting rid of books to make more room in my office, I came across Debbie’s last journal, from 2010 through May 2012. It was so precious me.

When I went to Ohio, my kids were still hauling away boxes of old books to Goodwill that I no longer wanted. When I came back from Ohio, one day I realized I could not locate Debbie’s journal! I tore through all of my boxes and the whole house to no avail. It was the worst moment after her death … I was afraid it had been inadvertanly taken to Goodwill. I felt like I lost her all over again by losing her precious thoughts of the past two years.

My daughter, Jessica, told me that it would turn up when the time was right. Yesterday, as I was looking through my shelves in my office for another book, guess what I found? This journal entry below was her second entry after receiving the diagnosis in June, exactly 8 years ago today! You can only imagine how emotional I felt. 

Tomorrow I will post her entry from June 27, which was her first entry after receiving the diagnosis of cancer. I will eventually get back to 1987 and finish the story of our two years in South America! Thanks ~

J. Holbrook.

............................

July 1, 2005 – cloudy in Princeton, FL.

  Good morning Father! (I read Colossians 2).

  Thank you that the real substance of life is in Jesus and that I don’t have to live by rules and regulations. There is such freedom in you! thank you Lord.  Yesterday, when I was in the MRI tube, Psalm 2 and thought of the song “rescued.”

  Yesterday I had a breast cancer MRI done, only one test to go, that’s the PET scan (7/5/05). Then I will be meeting with the surgeon, Dr. Moffat, to discuss what to do on 7/12/05.  I still feel peaceful –

 
        I see another surgeon today, Dr. Edleman.   Thank you Father for your presence, Go with me today, please. Amen.

Stress at midnight

December 27, 1987 12:30 AM Cold, Alexandria, Ohio.

^“O Psalm 104:34 - Lord, how many and varied are Your works! In wisdom have You made the all, the earth is full of Your riches and Your creatures."

Man and beast, cloud and mountain, roaring ocean and the peaceful farm pond. Truly you have created them all and they are wonderful. You are great oh Lord and worth to be praised! I DO praise you, Praise the Lord!

I have gone through a whole spectrum of emotions, ups and downs. I have cried a lot and wanted to sleep a lot. I feel overwhelmed constantly. I am having chest pains and general (at times severe) indigestion, burning, insomnia, forgetfulness, and staring off into space. All signs of stress, but what does one do? Help me father to organize my life better. I can’t keep up the pace.

Joseph said he had a good talk with mom and dad this am. They were encouraging him to make sure I got more rest. He was able to share his vision of church planting in Bogota and Medellin and then move back for a time, possibly to live on the farm. They were not critical of him.

2013.06.29 – Joseph’s journal

I feel lonelier at this moment than I have ever felt in my life. And emptier.

I am doing better than a couple of days ago, thanks to a couple of cigar buddies. But I am seriously facing some demons in my life. I am feeling the pain of Debbie’s absence in a new and deeper way. It feels like two ships passing … and suddenly the other ship is quickly disappearing from view in the past … after 40 years of love, she is gone. Time is flowing on … it does not wait. And I look back, and she is growing dim in the distance. How long can I look back? When do I move forward? And how do I move forward? I have to stop numbing my pain and face the loneliness and find the God of solitude there. Easier said than done.

Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence.   

~vLongfellow, Henry Wadsworth 

Last day in Miami

December 16, 1987 Miami Beach FL, Windy, warm/cool.

Psalm 104:33 –

I do praise you Lord, for truly I was made for that purpose. I’m awed by your creation, by your majesty.

This is our last day here. Today we take Lyle to the airport and head for home. Yesterday we went to Aventura for a couple of hours and then Lyle and Joseph had an appointment with Nick who works for Latin American Mission (LAM) and who lived for a couple of year in Medellin, Colombia. Joseph received a lot of good information and a demographic study. Nick said that Medellin is a difficult city to start a church in.

I am reading Ruth Graham Bell’s story of her life, A Time for Remembering. I have really enjoyed it. It seems that every time I read a biography, it deepens in me the knowledge that I am not alone and that my struggles and hardships are not uncommon, especially to missionaries. Ruth says that she believes that “beautiful women are made by adjusting to difficult men”; an intriguing statement.

Henri Nouwen on "Critical Events"

Critical Events Can Reveal Divine Purpose

Life is God's initiative and can end or change suddenly, unexpectedly, and unpredictably. When we humans are ready to give up hope and resign ourselves to inevitability, God intervenes and reveals completely new beginnings. The resurrection of Jesus is God's sign breaking through every form of human fatalism and despair. In every critical event, there is an opportunity for God to act creatively and reveal a deeper truth than what we see on the surface of things. God also can turn around critical incidents and seemingly hopeless situations in our lives and reveal light in darkness. ~Henri Nouwen

(Note: I found this to be encouraging to me as I struggle with this abrupt turn in my life. I sometimes feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and no longer makes any sense - I persistently feel like I don't know who I am anyore. I have to hold on to the idea that there must be a divine purpose in this "critical event" even though I cannot see it.  If you like Nouwen's "Daily Meditations" you can sign up for them at the web site honoring his life and writings. ~J.H.)

Prayer for faith by the ocean

December 14, 1987 Miami Beach FL, Windy, warm/cool.

Psalm 103:13– 17

¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;

¹⁷ But from everlasting to everlasting
    the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
    and his righteousness with their children’s children—

We (Joseph, I and our children) are living in a special grace because our parents feared the Lord. What a blessing – how rich we are! Thank you Lord.

The ocean seems angry this morning. The waves are white capped and fast coming in to smack the sand. It creates some fear or awe in me. It is great to imagine that the Lord set boundaries for the ocean, for truly it seems with its power it could go wherever it wanted.

Lord, I want to ask something that is big for me this morning, although very small for you. Lord, we continue to struggle with lack of money. It’s an area that the enemy still hassles us with. Father, this morning I ask for forgiveness for our lack of faith and trust. Amen.            

Father's Day 2013

Our father in heaven ….

Today is a good day to pray the Lord’s Prayer. When I was younger, I used to resist the idea of praying written prayers. During the seven years Debbie and I battled cancer prayer become work, I am sorry to say. I don’t know if I can explain this adequately, but we gradually developed “battle fatigue” and got weary of desperate prayers. At the same time, in some mysterious way, our faith in God’s providence deepened and strengthened.  By the last two years of Debbie’s life, we became quiet. Our morning prayer together (the most treasured 30 minutes of our day) was most often spent in silence, sipping our respective coffee and tea.

During that time, two written prayers became precious to us. One was St. Patrick’s Breastplate (which I never quite succeeded in memorizing). I developed a hobby of carving Celtic crosses drilling a hole in the bottom in which I would place a rolled up copy of St. Patrick’s prayer.

The other prayer was the Our Father. It was the one simple prayer we would pray in unison every morning together. It says it all. Sometimes we would add the short prayer of Jesus in the Garden, “Not my will but thine by done.”

I really miss those morning prayers with Debbie.

Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right;
Do what’s best—
    as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You’re in charge!
You can do anything you want!
You’re ablaze in beauty!
    Yes. Yes. Yes.

(The Message)

Miami as the next step?

Dec. 13, 1987 Miami Beach, FL – warm, winding and refreshing

Psalm 102:15  "The nations will fear the name of the Lord,

    all the kings of the earth will revere your glory."

Yesterday as I was reading the scripture, I was given a desire to move on to greater holiness. Father, only you can deliver me from the sins which so easily beset me. I ask for greater revelation of who you are, and more, greater liberation in my life that I might worship you more freely.  Again, I call upon you to be my deliverer – to deliver e from anger and frustration and in the process grant me deeper peace and rest in you.

Joseph has gone to the consulate to renew Lyle’s visa for his return to Colombia. Nora and her friends have asked us to a meeting with them before we leave and seemed to be hinting that they want us to start a church in Miami. Is this our next step? The doors seem to be opening to Miami quicker than to Medellin. Is this a “Macedonian call?”

Father, you know our many financial needs-- our need for furniture, Joseph’s tuition, tickets back to Colombia, the problems with the car—Father is this is a mountain for me but for you no more than a pebble.

Father, bless our children, care for them while we are away.

                Joseph is looking over Miami as a possibility for a church planting endeavor for the future.

Father, I continue to ask and even plead for healing for daddy.

....one year ago today.

Debbie died one year ago today.

I had been doing very well in March and April. Starting around May 10, our 39^th anniversary, I have been dealing with the blues. This past week I have been having flash backs to the “week from hell” when she would fall out of bed in the middle of the night trying to go to the bathroom. I literally had to carry her to the bathroom every night and give her injections of morphine several times a day.

It was also a week from heaven. God gave extra grace. It is an awesome thing to be privileged to serve someone as they are dying. We saw hints that she was interacting with the world beyond. There were moments of laughter, like when Debbie became frustrated with too many people trying to help her and locked herself in the bedroom – until I came home and called to her.

She loved butterflies. She did a science project on butterflies during her bachelor’s degree. For mother’s day before her death, my daughters and their husbands installed butterfly gardens in our backyard with a fountain. She loved it. At the burial service in Ohio, we released live butterflies to symbolize the transformation from one world to the next. One of my favorite photos is of my daughter beaming a joyful smile in front of the casket while a butterfly flutters in her hand. Now, whenever I sit in my yard with my arm around one of my daughters, there is always butterfly nearby, seemingly checking on us!

My entire adult life came to a sudden and jarring stop one year ago today. Some widowers go about life as usual after, pouring themselves into their work or their mission.  Others lose the will to live and follow their spouse into the grave. I have not known who I am, or where I am going for the last 12 months, but I am about ready to find out. It’s time for me to start a whole new life; a little scary at my age (terrifying actually). The same one who called me into a life with Debbie knows the next step for me. He is with me, and he will define who I am and where I will go. And for sure, it will not be the same as it was. I will continue to be a pioneer.

Goodbye Debbie, I will always love you!

[Chorus]
Pioneer, Pioneer

Keep pressing onwards beyond your fears
And only your Father goes before you to your own frontier
Youʼre a Pioneer

[Verse 1]
Uncharted wilderness stretches before you
And you thrive on going where no one has gone
Still it gets lonely when darkness deepens
So sing by the fire until the dawn

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
You travel light and you travel alone
And when you arrive nobody knows
But your Father in heaven, He is glad you can go
Cause those who come after you will need the road

[Chorus]

[Verse 3]
And what you have done, others will do
Bigger and better and faster than you
But you canʼt look back, you gotta keep on pressing through
Thereʼs a wilderness pathway and itʼs calling you

[Last chorus]
Calling you, calling you clear
Keep pressing onwards, you can't stay here...
And only your Father goes before you to your own frontier
Youʼre a Pioneer